The Abyss of my Soul…

I wake and find my way into the bathroom, looking into the mirror to discover this man before me.  The effects of my latest drug has started fading and I start wondering where I’ll get my next fix.  I know I must use, to be a slave to its effects and how it keeps the strong pull in my heart at bay.  My drugs filling this void inside me when I can find enough.  I’m sure I’ll get the right combination, the right dosage and something that others will find acceptable.  I think to myself; ‘I can control it this time, this time it will be different I’m sure.’  My latest drug is a safe alternative to what I’ve used in the past, many others are using it and their happiness abounds it seems.  ‘This time will be different…I’m sure.’

I heard the calling of my heart, felt the passion and desire to fill the void which lies deep inside me from an early age.  I filled that call or passion with different things throughout my life, I’ve tried experimenting with so many and each of them seemed to fill me if just for a moment.  Most people look at me as someone who has an adventuress spirit and it guess that’s true in many ways.  I’ve felt the strong urges to find something or someone to fill this abyss of my soul.  It’s uncontrollable to me, I can’t fight it or even struggle against it.  No matter how hard I’ve tried, I cannot give up my usage.

No matter how you look at the world there is only one kind of person, just one.  We are more alike than different and we all feel the pull to fill our soul, a powerful desire to find something to quench this thirst inside us.  What is this desire that continues to find a way into our lives, into our thoughts and into even the most powerful of emotions?  What are these things we use to fill this desire?  Most importantly why is it there?

“It is the nature of desire not to be satisfied, and most human beings live for the gratification of it.”  Aristotle

The drugs we use to fill our void, our abyss are familiar to us and they go by different names such as;  gods, addiction, idols and even religion, they are used like an addict might use heroin and the addiction is even stronger.  The gods that we worship are in fact at times so acceptable that we don’t even notice that they are indeed being used to fill a void inside of us.  We use:  Exercise, eating, sex, dating or the thrill of being pursued, affairs, drugs, relationships, toys and possessions, work and the list is endless.  We even use the virtues and laws of religion to fill this call inside of us, buried deep into following what we perceive to be the carefully laid out path of being a good follower.  For myself, I’ve used the routines of Christianity to help satisfy the call.  I’ve read God’s word, gone to church, volunteered and prayed.   

There are also those that decide to ignore this call, to pretend that the abyss inside us simply doesn't exist.  We lack a passion and muddle through our lives in the endless routine that brings us our false security.  Our damaged and scared hearts only seem to re-enforce the idea that we should ignore this call.  We may find ourselves living out small specks of another story, a much smaller story inside our own minds.  Living a life of fantasy in pornography, social drama or believing we have the perfect family or life.  Choosing instead of searching for that something to bridge the gap or fill our abyss, to live a life of fantasy and deception.  Our fruitless attempts always end the same way, in our closely guarded and maintained deception coming down around us at some point.  We blame, we curse and we are sure that if we simply believe or pray hard enough our deception will stand next time.  And once again consume our lives with discipline and duty.  In our closed and guarded hearts, behind the walls built firmly to keep all peering eyes out lies a spirit that has long lost its life and true love and kindness are replaced with pride, fear and indifference.  It is our great fear that holds us at bay, daring not to travel beyond the boundaries of our own deception.  We choose the path that is well lit and populated with familiar faces and companions such as hate, pride, anger, shame, indifference, guilt and lust.  Behind our walls we entertain these companions and give no notice to the death of our passion and calls that we once heard.    

We also have years of damage from various people that lead us toward ignoring or giving into addiction.  For me, it started with my fathers abuse and abandonment.  This lead to feelings of inadequacy and rejection that have left a path of destruction in someway through my life.  I never had a positive male role model, never had that man to teach me to be a father, husband and godly man.  On to words that struck deep from others, actions that wounded and failures of my own making.  All are used by God's enemy, Satan, to re-enforce the idea that we should stay close to our addictions.  We have the false belief that if we have control, if we can simply maintain control that life will be better.

“The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is based on merely human rules they have been taught.”  Isaiah 29:13

Regardless of what we choose to do in response to this call or passion, it’s clear that we can’t see it for what it truly is and instead look at it with both fear and misunderstanding.  This is one road that we can choose to take.  One direction for our hearts, to fill this desire with people and/or things or we can choose to try to ignore it in some way.  There is a second road that we can choose to travel.  A path that is much less followed and comes with fewer guide posts, no known guarantees and what we see as danger just beyond the undergrowth.  If we allow ourselves to really listen to the beckoning call that resonates within us, to understand that it comes from this other road we are filled with a fear of the unknown.  Few speak about this road, in church we hear about it at times, but fail to understand fully what the words refer.  

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

I look back one more time at those familiar companions calling so fiercely for my return.  The desire for the known calling deep in my own heart.  Fear grows as I consider the unknown and traveling this road without my familiar gods.  My ears sharpen and my attention is drawn away from what I've known all my life to a voice beyond.  Looking down at the ground in front of me I muster what courage is left.  Lifting my foot and looking beyond I step off down this road.

The call that we hear, that all of us hear, is God.  From the time in the garden he has desired an intimate relationship with us.  He delights in us, loves us with such a passion and desire that we can't even begin to understand.  We were created in his image and made for him.  He has since our creation desired a closeness with us that can only be found through this road.  The abyss is our own desire to be one with God, a burning desire to be close to the Creator.  We spend our lives ignoring, trying to kill or trying to fill this abyss with intimate relationships and sex, finding they bring us closest to filling this abyss.  We dare not trust him as he reassure our fearful souls.  Our trust and devotion remain with the known even when we understand who is calling us. At least traveling the other path we can control which companion we travel with and how we travel. Control often times comes from fear and it is this fear that keeps us from traveling the path of intimacy with God.

I have had many gods or addictions but by far my favorite drug is service.  I am without a doubt addicted to helping and serving others and to the affirmation that comes with service. God calls me, I become a Christian, he urges me into an intimate relationship with him, on to taking away my addictions.  I am left standing there watching my life love, my addiction, slowly slipping out of my grasp.  It is only now, after listening to those closest to me that I understand.  Only through prayer, reading and journaling do I finally see.  The call, the addiction and the passion that rages in my soul was put there by God and it was a desire that can only be filled by God.  It is a desire to be close to him and it is a desire that we all have.    

Today, I stand as a shinning example of an imperfect man.  With countless mistakes and failures behind me I look forward to a life that is much different than the one I've lead up till now.  I see that my validation comes from my Father, I surrender my control over to Christ and I listen as closely as possible to the words of the Spirit.  I've never been known for someone who takes even the best of advise and have instead chosen to fall on my face and learn the hard way.  With that in mind, on a daily basis I make mistakes, I fail, I fall and I always will.  It does bring a comfort that I've never known in turning to God, in following the other road.  I still find myself fearing things, I still crave my past addictions at times.  Yet, there's something beyond my ability to describe that gives me comfort and a feeling of safety, love and security that has never been mine.  

It is my prayer that these words cause you to stop what you're doing.  To find a quiet place to pray and reflect.  Look at your own life, search for what God really wants for you.  It's easy to hide behind devotion to church, kids or marriage.  It's easy to ignore the call and it's easy to believe the lessons learned from past mistakes or damage.  God is love, Christ is the embodiment of that love.  The love he has for us is simply beyond our understanding and he calls us to an intimate relationship, he calls our heart.  Let us let go of the lessons learned from years of damage, breakups, deaths, broken trust and heartbreaks and accept something more beautiful and brilliant.  Look closely at the two roads and listen closely for the call.

Love, Kindness and Compassion

Three books to read:  

The Sacred Romance, Drawing closer to the Heart of God

Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave: Finding Hope in the Power of the Gospel

When people are big and God is small

 

Finding Beauty...

I remember a time not very long ago when the world was a dark and lonely place.  I viewed it in such a way that there was evil and darkness at every turn and the people around me were looking out for themselves, looking out for number one.  It's interesting how often times we are taught at an early age to be afraid of others and to look out for ourselves.  We are hurt again and again by different people in our lives, I know I've struggled with being hurt and with hurting others.  How am I to learn to trust people if they keep failing me, abandoning me or causing such pain?  Childhood, and it doesn't end there!

Four and a half years ago my sisters death shook my life and had recently dealt with a friend of mine who had contacted me the night of his suicide.  These events were  hard to understand and hard to process.  They also reinforced what I already knew, the world was an ugly place and was filled with suffering.  It hit me one day in December of 2010, I remember it so well because in many ways it was a turning point in my life, in the way I looked at the world.  I had long ago given up on people, seeing them simply as cruel and hurtful souls, damaged themselves and living a life that simply looked out for number one.  

The world we see is a reflection of what we have in our hearts.  Wow... It hit me that December day, how I saw the world was indeed a reflection of the pain and suffering I had in my own heart.  I really can't say that enough, how we see the people and events in our lives so often times reflect our own pain.  So what was in my heart that caused me to see the world as such a dark place?  I dove deep into understanding myself and why the world was such a dark place.  I started listening to others, seeing their pain, their suffering, understanding my own pain better.  Finding away to change my feelings:  sadness, abandonment, malice, frustration, and any negative feelings that I had, I focused on and struggled to understand where they came from.  Those feelings run deep inside us, embedded, lessons learned early in age and only re-enforced through the years.  I've seen it, seen it in myself and others.  I've reacted to something, cut off my compassion and love to react in a protective way.  They are out to hurt me, to abandon me, to take from me and to destroy my tender heart.  All I had learned many years ago.  So how do I relearn, what I had learned?

I don't have the answers to that question for others, I'm not even sure of how I came to a point where I see my days as beautiful.  I'm sure that even in my days of rejecting God, he was working in my life.  He just wouldn't give up on me.  Looking back I can see a carefully laid out path that couldn't have been anything less than God's hand in my life.  It's difficult sometimes to see the beauty, yesterday I struggled with the idea that someone had malice intent toward me.  From my perspective they wanted to see me hurt.  Yet what I didn't see was where those feelings I was having were coming from.  Why did I feel that way?  What were they feeling or what did they believe that caused them to strike out toward me in a way that caused me pain?  That puts the ball back in my court.  I took offence to someone else's actions and had to decide to reach out in a compassionate and loving way or to be offended and angry.  Compassion is love in action, compassion is a willingness to not only feel for another, but to take action or in my case, to simply be still.

There's beauty in walking the snow covered trails of the Appalachian mountains.  Beauty in watching the sun rise over the Atlantic ocean from my kayak.  I remember rising to the surface of a dive in the East China sea just before the sun set, the dive was absolutely the best ever and we sat there silent as the sun sank below the water.  That was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen in my life, until I started seeing something even more beautiful.  The single most beautiful thing I have ever seen was seen this year for the very first time.  It was finally understanding God's love for me, finally diving deep into his heart and allowing him into mine.  Letting down my walls to the One who wants me closest and wants the very best for me. The most beauty in this world is growing in understanding for God's love for us.

The second most beautiful thing, is you.  It is in seeing the human heart, growing closer to another person, seeing them for who they are and not what we hope to gain from them.  It is in seeing my sons rise all sleepy headed and asking me what's for breakfast.  My sons are different in many ways, and they are both so very much beautiful.  Seeing the heart of a love, sitting there as dreams and hopes are shared, as fears are explored and as a hopeful desire for better things radiate from them.  Standing in line at the grocery store as a child shares with his parent about the excitement of an upcoming event.  Watching as the person in front of me raises their hands in worship of God for the first time.  Having a child wrap their arms around me with no words to be found, only the love from their heart and a desire for comfort.  It is in seeing how contagions a smile is while walking the isles of the local Food Lion.  It is in seeing someone free of the constraints of past prejudice and their eyes open to a new world.

Beauty is all around us, everywhere and in everyone.  Even in the darkest of times and places, there is a fragrant and beautiful flower that we can choose to focus on.  It is in deciding to live a life of love, kindness and compassion, even if we were taught otherwise.  We have such a short time to live, to give, to love and to make a difference in this world.  I hope that today, you will see beauty, that you will find a reason to infect your school, home or workplace with a smile.

Love, Kindness and Compassion

My precious gift...

There was a time in my life that I lost my drive, I lost my desire to enjoy life, I lost my passion. There were few things that I enjoyed and I was in a place that continued to grow dark and damp.  My passion for life had faded away under the weight of everyday life and dreams that failed to come true. How easy it was to wake one day and not recognize the man before me.  The years thundered by and I found myself lost and in an unfamiliar place.  Where did the young man filled with life go?  Where was the adventurer who climbed mountains and traveled counties just to experience the random moments of life?  Where did my passion go?

I found my passion after some soul searching and found myself once again in a place with limited security, no backup plan and so filled with excitement that I could hardly stop smiling.  I started volunteering and giving to others through several different organizations, I started finding those back country trails that were seldom used.  I found a joy for life that I had never known.  Happiness that was hardly ever lost and seldom a time it wasn't present.  I found myself with an open heart.

It was in my heart that I started discovering the joy of life and that joy came mostly from relationships with beautiful people that I surrounded myself with.  I found that having an open heart and a passion for life was something that brought about a joy that I had never imagined or believed possible.  My open heart didn't come without strings and those strings were attached to words like; betrayal, deception, unkindness, and hurt.  I found that having an open heart and a passion for life had both rewards and costs, yet for me it was full steam ahead.  I wouldn't be held back by the threat of harm and I wouldn't give up the passion of love for the sake of being safe behind walls of the heart.  I found that these walls were almost universal in people of all walks of life.  Walls built to protect the occupant from the hurt that came from human interaction.

I wasn't alone in my adventure of the heart, there were others that both lead a life of openness and even taught others how to be open hearted.  I remember listening to someone once;  Keep an open heart, but carry a shield.  I wondered and pondered those words and came up with my own saying; Keep an open heart and use the shield as a sled.  So that's how I lived my life, I was fearless.  I lived a fearless life with an open heart.  I listened to the soft sound of my heart and I was lead by it.  I was filled with a passion for life and I sucked the marrow out of each day.  What a beautiful way to live.  I would watch the lives of those guarded souls and wonder.  I wasn't above them, I wanted them to join me!

I was happy to find that Christ also asks for an open heart.  He came to free us from the confines of this world and asks us to move out of our carefully constructed and heavily fortified forts that we use to protect our hearts from damage.  Regardless of the reason we move out of our protective places, we can still be certain of harm and hurt.

Matters of the heart are certainly confusing at times.  I have trusted others, letting them in to my world and shared my most intimate places.  My most valuable asset, my heart and the love that comes with it.  I have to say, there's no hurt like the hurt that can come from someone who is in our most intimate place.  It's like having my heart in the hands of another and being dependent on their kindness, compassion and love, hoping that they don't hurt that precious gift.  That's what our hearts are, precious gifts given freely to others in the hope of something greater and more beautiful.

Yet we are only human and regardless if we intend to hurt or not, we are sure to hurt others and they are sure to hurt us.  The deeper I let someone in, the deeper and more tragic the damage that comes from a harmful act or words spoken.  The saying is true, we hurt the ones we love most.  And we do so because they've let us into their most protected of places, they've allowed us to hold their most precious gift.  Once hurt we want to retreat to our protective places, our walls, our place of safety and comfort.  What we don't see and often times overlook is the opportunity for an even greater depth and an even greater reward in such times.  This is when courage is most needed and it's when I can say that I've struggled.  To find refuge behind a wall or do I boldly stand my ground opening my heart to more damage.

That's the big question for me;  Do I stand openly knowing that hurt will come, knowing that the next blow may bring me to my knees, willing to take the risks of love?  Will I?  Should I?  Would you? For me, the answer is yes!  Yes I will stand there with my open heart.  I will never retreat to the false security of those walls again.  I was once a prisoner behind my own walls, dismal and damp, dark and cold defined my fortress of solitude.  I will never return.  It is from my vulnerability that I found my greatest joy and it is a place that I will continue to nurture.  My passion for life, my love of others, my joy in Christ all come from my openness they all come from my heart.  For me, kindness, compassion and love flow from Christ to an open heart and with that, there's no way I can close it once it's been opened.  Love is the greatest value in all the world and the fruits of love are kindness, patience, compassion, truth, and obedience to God.

Love, kindness and compassion        

Listening...

I've long thought I had courage. The courage to join the Marines and courage to take long backpacking trips deep into the Appalachian mountains in the dead of winter alone. Courage to face those people who have been touched by suicide and courage to stand up for those things I believe regardless of the opposition. One thing that I haven't had courage to do was face myself. I didn't have the courage to face my own boxes and damage. I didn't have the courage until recently to simply let go of the support system I had built around me and trust God. Jeremiah 33:3 “Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know.”

The past many weeks have been an amazing journey of discovery for me. I've learned about the thorns in my life and have turned them over to God. I dove deep into what they are, examined them and recognize their significance in my life. I do not view them lightly, nor do I ignore their impact on my life. I do recognize their continued presents and each day is a surrender to God, each day is waking and acknowledging their presence. They no longer hold the same power in my life they once did, yet I will remain vigilant watching for them out of fear they could creep back into my life when I'm challenged. "Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me." 2 Corinthians 12:7

I'm searching through my "boxes", discovering them hidden in places long forgotten. Frankly, this can be scary stuff, looking through my own past, at my sister's suicide, my father, my failures and pain I've caused. I'ts kind of interesting how past damage has a way of creeping into our lives and impacting things. Even when we don't expect it, it creeps in and leaves us bloody and reeling. Until we heal those wounds of the past we will in someway be haunted by them and that haunting can be devastating. I think this is such an important step in my life and I hope others will take heed. It's bloody work dealing with certain things and frankly the most frighting thing I've ever done.

In dealing with my boxes and my challenges I've wanted my support system close. I'm blessed with some of the worlds most amazing people around me and they call me friend. I've been blessed with people from all walks of life that call me family. I'm truly loved and I feel that love from so many people. Yet what I really needed to do was to face these boxes with only one other and that is the point of what I write now. In the past many weeks I've reached out to several friends and family members searching for answers, for reassurance and guidance. What I should have been doing more of was reaching out to God. I'm not saying that our support systems aren't important, they are very important, but there are times when we should all walk with just God. My question is how? How do I trust God with these things?

Coming to a point of trusting God more has taken me time, it has taken prayer and actively searching for him in my everyday life. I've seen his work in people's lives, I've seen his work in my life, I've seen amazing beauty and Love that there's no denying a powerful and loving God. Yet why is it so difficult for us to simply let go of control and believe? Maybe the answer is different for us all. "Joy is full-forward acceptance and contentment in whatever situation we find ourselves because God is in control and is doing what is best for us." Peter doubted Christ, and Christ said that if we only had the faith of a mustered seed we could move mountains. Peter did move mountains, but it took time. I wanted to be able to move mountains too, to flip a switch and simply believe he would take care of me. I've learned now that it takes time to trust, to understand and to see the living God. It also took being still and listening.

For the first time in my life I'm really listening. I'm really being still and listening to things, to people and to God. My life is quite with so very few interruptions. I've stopped calling on others, I've stopped volunteering, I've stopped filling my days with distractions. What I can hear in the quite is profound to me. I hear my heart beat. I hear the sound of the birds. I hear my footsteps. I hear the Spirit and I hear the Father through his word. I know for many people finding that time to devote to being still and to silence is difficult. It was so very easy for me to find excuses why I couldn't, yet above all else we should seek God first.

"Live a life that pleases God by reading and following his word, praying to him and listening to him every day. Follow the godly advice of others. As you continue to grow in Christ, you will be filled with God’s Holy Spirit, and be daily transformed into God’s likeness. Knowing what pleases God in our daily lives will become second nature. God sees our hearts, if we earnestly seek him with all our hearts, we will find him."

A prayer I say daily that helps me.

"God, please let your will be done… Let your will be done in my life always. If what I am about to do is not your will, please give me an unrest about it. Please put a stop to it. Lead me in the right path. I want to follow your will. I want to walk in your way…. if this is what you want me to do, please confirm it to me and grant me peace concerning it. Bless the work of my hands and let me glorify and honor you in all that I do. Let me live to testify your goodness. Show me what to do. Lead me where to go. Show me what steps to take. Thank you Lord, because I know your plans for me are for good and not for evil. Thank you because I know you have me on your heart. Thank you because you are my Father and You love me. And I know I have peace in you. Amen.”

I share this with you in the hopes that it will help someone grow closer to God. That someone will be willing to turn over their lives to God and believe. It is my deepest hopes that it brings glory to him. Following and growing in Christ takes a lifetime and it's only when we are with him that we are fully complete. He has an amazing plan for us all and he has blessings that go beyond our greatest dreams. We can choose to do things our own way and we may do fine, but if we do them his way our lives will be enriched beyond our greatest hopes.

Love, Kindness and Compassion

My Thread...

I became a Christian almost two years ago.  I was so excited and looked for what I needed to do next, joined the church, went to the men's group, prayed each day and read the bible.  So, this is what it means to be a Christian I thought.  God said there's more.  I want you to do this...

My relationship with Jenni started with us talking about God months before we started dating and when we did start dating God was the primary focus, most of the time.  One thing that God was teaching both of us was intimacy with him.  He wanted more from both of us and he wanted us both to know what it was like to be truly married to Christ.  I can't speak for Jenni, but I got lost in the relationship with her.  God said no, that's not what I had in mind.  He wanted me to work on my own personal "thorns" and grow in him.

Today I'm facing my thorns, acknowledged them in my life and with his help have come to a place of understanding them, it's on going work that will take a lifetime.  It certainly breaks my heart and crushes me to see Jenni out of my life for this to happen, but frankly I'm not sure I would have been able to get this far with my focus on her.  Just like us growing in our intimacy with God, I imagine he has more work to do in her as well.  There's reason's he brought us together.

Thorns are being faced, boxes being opened and I'm growing in my intimacy with God.  I'm done, I've reached the goal that God set for me.  God says NO James, I have more work you need to do.  So he points me in the direction he wants me to go, handing it over to him and trusting....  That's so very much easier said than done.

Below is from my couples bible and it's so profound and eye opening to me I just had to write about it.  I have been lead back to this single thing for months now and I haven't bothered to give it real prayer and time. Yet I'm forced to now.  I'm one of the foolish one's that must trip over many stones to get the point, one of God's more hardheaded children.

"To keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me."  2 Corinthians 12:7

""My life is but a weaving between my God and me I do not choose the colors;  He worketh steadily.  Oft times He weaveth sorrow, and I in a foolish pride Forget He sees the upper-, and I the under-side.  Not till the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly will God unroll the canvas and explain the reasons why the dark threads are as needful in a skillful weaver's hand.  As the threads of gold and silver, in a pattern he has planned."  Grant Tuller

"Paul's letters to the congregation in Corinth are interwoven with threads of pain and joy.  Sometimes Paul recounted his great apostolic calling and used it to persuade the church to accept his authority.  Other times he wandered about in near despair, pleading with his fellow believers for support.  In 2 Corinthians 12:1-10, Paul slid from ecstasy to entropy, ending up with reflections not unlike those of Tuller.

He could have been writing a journal entry about the relationship of any couple.  We thrill when we first make eye contact.  We find our days energized as we become engaged and plan for marriage, and our nights are vivid with passionate dreams of our life together.  When we marry and are happy with each other, we carry our partner along on the currents of victory.

But there are also pages in our relationships when days pass without a note, and those that finally appear are short and tear-stained.  We feel the thorn of sickness.  Lost opportunities.  Foolish mistakes.  Broken promises.  Our elation bursts, our energy escapes, and the darkness becomes our closest friend.  What do we say then?

Perhaps, with Job, we need to be reminded that not all suffering comes from God, and that no suffering is beyond God's care.  Perhaps, with Paul, we need to claim a larger perspective that prevents us from getting stuck too long in the darkness of depression.

If today is the best day of your life, it won't last.  Tonight might be an inch short of hopeless;  it won't last either.  Whatever has brought you to this moment is only part of the story of your life and relationship.  The rest is yet to come.  Put all of it-dark thorns and shining threads- into God's hands, and he will sustain you."
Wayne Brouwer

Love, Kindness and Compassion

Unpacking....

Diving deep into my hidden boxes I decided to start at the beginning. The event in my life that would touch every single relationship I would ever have. It would affect many of my decisions throughout my life.

At the age of five me and my sister were with our dad on a cold night. He had a crock pot of beans cooking and the cord was strung from the wall to the kitchen table. Walking by I tripped over the cord and knocked over the pot of beans. His anger flared, his abuse was devastating and tragic for me, ending with him kicking me out of his home on a hill in the dark of night. I have no memories of him after that day, until.

In sixth grade I was called to the office. Walking in there were several people in the room and the first person I saw was my sister standing there crying. Our eyes met and tears flowed down my face and even now as I write this and reflect on the look in her eyes that day, I cry. That moment is forever etched in my mind, the look on her face, the tears in her eyes and the openness of her heart. Looking to the man standing close I saw it was my dad. The principal looked to me and said that my father was here to see me. I looked to him and said that my father was dead.

From that day forward I told everyone that my father was dead. He never tried to contact me again and as a child I had no idea how to process what had happened up to that point. I struggled through my childhood as a boy with no father. I watched my friends with their dads and wished… I would go to sleep at night dreaming of having a father, having someone to teach me to fish, to hunt, to camp and to be a man. My childhood was very much scarred by not having a father or at least knowing that there was something missing.

Those tragic days have been buried deep inside me and the emotions I felt on those days haven’t been touched until recently. After spending a week reflecting on my dad, writing about what happened and asking God for both forgiveness and healing those tragic and raw my emotions came out. I was once again a little boy in a house with my dad… I once again felt the rush of pain that I had that day in 6th grade. My heart and soul were opened in a tragic way as I poured out my pain and frustrations.

I was left struggling to find a way to forgive something that had become unforgivable. The best description I could find was this:

"Forgiveness is not merely a soft attitude toward a harsh fact; forgiveness is the vital action of love, seeking to restore the harmony that has been shattered."

How can I offer forgiveness for what happened. In prayer I found a way. I wrote him and offered just that. I do not know his mind or what he will do with my words. For me, it was letting go of something desperately tragic in my life and finding a peace that only God can bring.

Love, kindness and compassion

Those Darn Boxes!

If you can imagine for a moment a house. This house represents our lives. We have different rooms in the house and those rooms are different areas or relationships in our life. Some rooms are used often and others are down right spooky. Now imagine challenges we face in life: breakups, abuse, hurtful words, death and other things. Facing these things are hard and for people like me, it's sometimes easier not to face them at all. So imagine putting that grief or trauma into a box, some boxes are bigger than others and some boxes much stronger. We take that box and we slide it under the bed, we hide it in the closet or we may even sleep close to it each night. Yet we don't dare open the box out of fear. Fear of the pain, hurt and memories that lie inside.

I've used this analogy for years in dealing with grief. Sitting around a grief circle or one on one mentoring. I've written about it from time to time. Helped others work through their own boxes that have come to clutter their home. In all the work I've done with others to find peace in the tragedy I never looked at some of my own.

I found that it was easier for those who help others with their boxes to simply ignore their own. It's easier to help you with yours than it is for me to face my own. I was in Bend Oregon earlier this year working with some fellow siblings. There was a long time therapist who was present for the event. We had a long discussion on her boxes, her fear and her grief. I sat there listening from a place that I thought was box free...

I found that it's incredibly easy to simply ignore my own boxes when I can focus on others. It's so very much easier to simply ignore the clutter in our home when life is beautiful and there's lots of things to enjoy. For me, I was becoming more vulnerable in a relationship and reaching deeper into my own closet. I was finding emotions that I hadn't dealt with in years, even as far back as my childhood.

Something else I've realized, we sometimes do anything to keep from facing our past and opening those boxes. We use people to entertain us, fill us and affirm us. We use drugs, alcohol, work, relationships, spending and exercise to keeps us from facing those darn boxes. Fact of the matter is, if we don't face them they sometimes get knocked over and ruin our day. And sometimes they cost us beautiful things that mean the world to us.

Darcie......

Arriving at my first regional event for TAPS as an employee I was asked if I would pick up Darcie Sims from the airport later that night.  I knew from past experiences with Darcie that it would be well worth losing sleep to pick her up, after all, who wouldn’t want an hour of free therapy from one of the top psychologists in the country!  So that’s where my journey really started with her and what a journey it would be for this simple man. 

We all have stories that can be shared about Darcie and the impact she had on our lives.  Over the past week I’ve seen hundreds of pictures and read a multitude of words from people who have been touched in someway by this remarkable woman.  We learned that it’s ok grieve in what ever way we felt we should.  She taught us that we only have a short time to appreciate this journey of life before it’s over.  There are so many things that can be written and so many lessons that have been learned from her teachings.  I’ve been reflecting on her most important lesson to me and maybe to the world as a whole. 

I don’t think Darcie started out her journey in working in grief with the idea that she would change the world, nor do I think she believed her way was the only way.  As most can testify, she had the ability to bring things down to earth and make each person believe that they were the only one in the room.  I think that’s where her most important lesson lies, in that one person in the room, that single heart and in that single moment in time, the present with a single life in pain.  Her greatest lesson in my eyes was simple words to you and I, they are words we hear from our mom and at church, but they become much more once we apply those words to our lives and start living them.  Those words; Love, kindness and compassion.

Darcie showed that one person can make a massive difference in the world.  She showed that we can reach out and change things for the better by simply looking to a single person and a single heart.  She showed us the importance of Love and offered ways to help make love the “journey” and not just words that are reserved for those we find easy to be around or have something to offer, but for the world as a whole.  Love seems to be the theme of all she did and in my eyes will certainly be her legacy.  She has touched so many lives, God has truly worked through this woman.  This lesson of love will echo through generations, touching many lives to come.  What an amazing story, what an amazing legacy to have.

What’s also powerful is to see that she was only human, only a simple woman no different than anyone else.  She had fears, she hurt others, faced challenges and failed no different than anyone else in the world.  What really stood out was her willingness to reach out to others and try, to struggle toward something outside herself.  To be used by God to help change a single heart.  She had the courage and desire to simply love.

Do we have the same courage?  Can we continue Darcie’s legacy by showing love, by reaching out and by touching a single heart?  You see, this isn’t simply about us, it’s not about Darcie, it’s about something much greater.  We have the power to change the world, yes, as grand and big as it is, we have that power today.  We can make a difference, simply one heart at a time. 

 

My words fall short of what should be written about Darcie Sims and they certainly fall short of glorify our Maker.  These are simple words from a simple man, but it is truly my hope that we do struggle to make a difference.  That we wake tomorrow with a desire to help a single heart, a single person, to show love and to see the beauty in the world around us.  Love, kindness and compassion. 

Semper Fi Darcie Sims, We love you.

Birthday Love....

Four years ago today you woke to face the world, to battle all those same obstacles we all face and to make sense of life.  Four years ago today our mom called you to wish you a happy birthday and to tell you that she loves you.  Four years ago today you had friends that called you, texted you, emailed you to celebrate such an amazing woman.  Four years ago today would be the last two weeks of your life.

I didn’t call you this day four years ago, I didn’t write, I didn’t send a card, nor did I even remember that it was your birthday.  Had I’d known that you would not have another, I would have driven to where you were and with so many others, given you the best birthday ever!!  I would have showered you with love and affection that you deserved and made sure that you knew in every part of your being that you were loved by me.  I would have asked for forgiveness for the words and my actions that offended you, for being a pain in the butt brother, for being selfish and most of all for being prideful.  If I had only known...

Today I write to you, I’ll bake a cake and place a candle on it.  I’ll toast you and spend time with friends who will do the same.  Today I’ll think of the ways that you touched me, changed me and affected my path in this life.  Today I’ll tell someone about you and how you touched so many lives both in the Navy, at church and as a volunteer.  Today I will remember the fun times we shared, the sad times when we cried, the crazy times that don’t need to be mentioned….  

 Today I will tell others “I Love You” as often as possible and take every opportunity to hug someone.  Today I see how important life is, how short it is and how valuable each person is in our life.  Today my heart is open to others, to being hurt and to being loved.  Today, I will share your story with someone else as I continue to add value to your life and death.  Today I see that had I just shared with you my own struggles, you may not have died.  Today I will try and live this day and every day as if it were my most important day, to hold close those I love, to share with others, to try and make a difference in a single life, because….one of these days it will be MY last day and my last birthday.

February 23^rd is your birthday, like so many people I know who have had a loved one die, it is an important date in my life now.  Before your death it wasn’t, but it will forever be so now.  I wish I could fill you in on all the beauty I’ve seen in the past several months of my life, all the amazing things that I’ve experienced and all the wonderful people I have in my life.  Since your death my life has changed so much and I’ve come to spend my life in a way that helps others and in service to God.  I wish I could share with you these beautiful things I see all around me. 

Your life and your death have touched so many lives Kim.  There have been families mended, lives saved and value added to so many.  Not only do I morn your death today, but also celebrate your life.  I want others to see that there is beauty in not only your life, but also your death and I think many do.  So Kim, today I will live… Today I will give… Today I will sing… Today I will embrace life…  Today I will Love…

Happy Birthday Sister….     

My birthday song to you...

 http://youtu.be/tR-qQcNT_fY

Beauty Around Us...

Finding my seat on my flight from Atlanta to Bend Oregon I was next to two wonderful people.  We all talked openly about where we were coming from and where we were going, our families and so on.  There was Marie, who was in her 50’s and a missionary.  She had traveled much of the world with the goal of serving God and helping others.  She was traveling to Seattle to be with her sick grandson.  Then there was Adrian who at age 17 had just finished a dance competition in Orlando, headed home in Alaska.  I had been pondering a simple question for a few days; what are the beautiful things around us?

I posed that question to them both; what’s something beautiful in your life?  I asked. Marie was quick to answer, her family.  She spoke of the joys of her grand kids and seeing her kids grow as men and women.  After a few minutes, she added one word; Freedom.  She then elaborated by adding;  Freedom from the needs of other people’s expectations, freedom to be herself and freedom from the fear of rejection.  She spoke briefly of her journey from bitterness with her ex-husband to this place of contentment and a joy for life. 

Adrian was reluctant to answer and sighted her age as a reason.  At every part and time in our lives we can find beauty.  So she answered by saying;  Seeing others happy, being able to turn someone’s sadness into happiness and by helping others. 

Finding Gabe at the airport in Redmond I was so excited to help with this event.  Siblings from around the country converged on this place to share their sibling that had fallen in service to our country.  They came to connect with others who “Get it” and to find healing for a broken heart.

The first night I sat at a table with 13 other siblings and watched.  Sitting back and looking around the table watching them share their food, talking about their loved one, sharing moments of joy and great sorrow with others close by.  Everyone spoke with excitement over the upcoming week and the events we would share with one another.

Throughout the week I asked several people what they found beautiful in their lives, here are a few of their responses.

‘The things that stay the same, the constant things like family or the sun going down.  Someone always being there.  It’s the human part of love.’

‘The beauty I see in nature.  How a bird flies and a fish swims and how everything works.’

‘Family, always being there and stuck with each other in a way, the permanence of it and the way we each cope with our own pain.’

‘Time, how time keeps moving and things keep changing.  No matter where I am in life, it will change.  I love change and nothing will ever be the same again.’

‘Physical activity, running or biking and the escape that it provides.’

‘The humanist part of this group, people opening up and letting me be apart of their heart, there lives, their love and pain.’

‘The relationship I have with my girlfriend and how I’m able to connect with her, support her and stand by her.’

I found such beauty in that time in Oregon and the time I shared with 15 other people who came with an open heart.  Seeing people from different walks of life come together to share and support each other.  Seeing people open their hearts and trusting.  Each person shared such an amazing part of their lives with me and I am so very thankful.  My life is so much better for having met and gotten to know everyone even more deeply.

I will say my single most powerful event was on Mt Bachelor with a fellow sibling.  Up to that point there were things I hadn’t shared with anyone or at least in a way that was raw and open.  As we sat there opening our hearts, fears and minds to one another we both could see those walls fall and our trust for the other was complete.  There was such beauty, such comfort and such amazement in being able to connect and share even the darkest moments in our lives.

I sit here now recounting so many things in my life that have nearly destroyed me, tragedies, suicide and abuse.  Out of each one I was able to look back and see such beauty in those tragedies.  There are so many blessings in life, so much love and so many things worth striving for and working toward.  

In all things, even in great loss, there is beauty and blessings, some are hard to find.  Love is everywhere and is in each of us.  It is in a smile, a kind note and in salvation granted to us by Christ.  I hope and pray that I continue to struggle, to learn, to see beauty, to find Love in those around me.

“For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”        

Love, kindness and compassion

Love, Kindness and Compassion

Rising from the ground with tears in my eyes, the air was cold and darkness was all around except for the windows of the single wide behind me.  My only real memory of my father after he kicked me out of his home at age five was this night. 

As the realization of what had happened sunk in and my whole world crashed down before me.  My faith in one person, my belief in something greater than me was full and the future which I had put all my dreams in had just ended in a thundering crash.  What would I do, where would I go and who do I trust now that all things that I believed in have been lost.  I lost my self in a path of darkness and despair.

Her words echoed in my ear as I feel to my knees in total shock.  The answer to my question was suicide.  Standing over her body in an empty room I spoke to her with tears streaming and earnest words of love and regret.  I could have saved her if I would have just shared my own journey with suicide and the darkness within my own heart.  My sister was now dead.

The tragedy in my life brought me down several paths of alcohol abuse, neglect and simply trying to forget the pain anyway possible.  I’ve found that no matter who I am, what I believe or how strong I think I am, I can be broken.  It is in this brokenness that I found light.  It was in my despair that I found hope and it was in death that I found life.  Where do I go from here I’ve asked myself many times.  What is the value of this life and where does happiness come from?  I found that my joy and happiness comes from within, that Love is real and that hope and faith is once again mine.  It is in the darkness that I finally started to understand the light and it was in death that I saw the value of life.  How did I get where I am and how did I find love, happiness and joy?  These are thoughts for another day.

This is the core of my words, how I rose above tragedy and changed my life and opened my heart.  How I found true love in myself and how I came from the ashes of despair to find the greatest joy and happiness.  I share this in hopes of helping someone in some small way, to inspire those reluctant souls toward an open heart, to save my sister whom I failed and to try to bring glory to God.

In all the world, Love matters most.