Birthday Love....

Four years ago today you woke to face the world, to battle all those same obstacles we all face and to make sense of life.  Four years ago today our mom called you to wish you a happy birthday and to tell you that she loves you.  Four years ago today you had friends that called you, texted you, emailed you to celebrate such an amazing woman.  Four years ago today would be the last two weeks of your life.

I didn’t call you this day four years ago, I didn’t write, I didn’t send a card, nor did I even remember that it was your birthday.  Had I’d known that you would not have another, I would have driven to where you were and with so many others, given you the best birthday ever!!  I would have showered you with love and affection that you deserved and made sure that you knew in every part of your being that you were loved by me.  I would have asked for forgiveness for the words and my actions that offended you, for being a pain in the butt brother, for being selfish and most of all for being prideful.  If I had only known...

Today I write to you, I’ll bake a cake and place a candle on it.  I’ll toast you and spend time with friends who will do the same.  Today I’ll think of the ways that you touched me, changed me and affected my path in this life.  Today I’ll tell someone about you and how you touched so many lives both in the Navy, at church and as a volunteer.  Today I will remember the fun times we shared, the sad times when we cried, the crazy times that don’t need to be mentioned….  

 Today I will tell others “I Love You” as often as possible and take every opportunity to hug someone.  Today I see how important life is, how short it is and how valuable each person is in our life.  Today my heart is open to others, to being hurt and to being loved.  Today, I will share your story with someone else as I continue to add value to your life and death.  Today I see that had I just shared with you my own struggles, you may not have died.  Today I will try and live this day and every day as if it were my most important day, to hold close those I love, to share with others, to try and make a difference in a single life, because….one of these days it will be MY last day and my last birthday.

February 23^rd is your birthday, like so many people I know who have had a loved one die, it is an important date in my life now.  Before your death it wasn’t, but it will forever be so now.  I wish I could fill you in on all the beauty I’ve seen in the past several months of my life, all the amazing things that I’ve experienced and all the wonderful people I have in my life.  Since your death my life has changed so much and I’ve come to spend my life in a way that helps others and in service to God.  I wish I could share with you these beautiful things I see all around me. 

Your life and your death have touched so many lives Kim.  There have been families mended, lives saved and value added to so many.  Not only do I morn your death today, but also celebrate your life.  I want others to see that there is beauty in not only your life, but also your death and I think many do.  So Kim, today I will live… Today I will give… Today I will sing… Today I will embrace life…  Today I will Love…

Happy Birthday Sister….     

My birthday song to you...

 http://youtu.be/tR-qQcNT_fY

Beauty Around Us...

Finding my seat on my flight from Atlanta to Bend Oregon I was next to two wonderful people.  We all talked openly about where we were coming from and where we were going, our families and so on.  There was Marie, who was in her 50’s and a missionary.  She had traveled much of the world with the goal of serving God and helping others.  She was traveling to Seattle to be with her sick grandson.  Then there was Adrian who at age 17 had just finished a dance competition in Orlando, headed home in Alaska.  I had been pondering a simple question for a few days; what are the beautiful things around us?

I posed that question to them both; what’s something beautiful in your life?  I asked. Marie was quick to answer, her family.  She spoke of the joys of her grand kids and seeing her kids grow as men and women.  After a few minutes, she added one word; Freedom.  She then elaborated by adding;  Freedom from the needs of other people’s expectations, freedom to be herself and freedom from the fear of rejection.  She spoke briefly of her journey from bitterness with her ex-husband to this place of contentment and a joy for life. 

Adrian was reluctant to answer and sighted her age as a reason.  At every part and time in our lives we can find beauty.  So she answered by saying;  Seeing others happy, being able to turn someone’s sadness into happiness and by helping others. 

Finding Gabe at the airport in Redmond I was so excited to help with this event.  Siblings from around the country converged on this place to share their sibling that had fallen in service to our country.  They came to connect with others who “Get it” and to find healing for a broken heart.

The first night I sat at a table with 13 other siblings and watched.  Sitting back and looking around the table watching them share their food, talking about their loved one, sharing moments of joy and great sorrow with others close by.  Everyone spoke with excitement over the upcoming week and the events we would share with one another.

Throughout the week I asked several people what they found beautiful in their lives, here are a few of their responses.

‘The things that stay the same, the constant things like family or the sun going down.  Someone always being there.  It’s the human part of love.’

‘The beauty I see in nature.  How a bird flies and a fish swims and how everything works.’

‘Family, always being there and stuck with each other in a way, the permanence of it and the way we each cope with our own pain.’

‘Time, how time keeps moving and things keep changing.  No matter where I am in life, it will change.  I love change and nothing will ever be the same again.’

‘Physical activity, running or biking and the escape that it provides.’

‘The humanist part of this group, people opening up and letting me be apart of their heart, there lives, their love and pain.’

‘The relationship I have with my girlfriend and how I’m able to connect with her, support her and stand by her.’

I found such beauty in that time in Oregon and the time I shared with 15 other people who came with an open heart.  Seeing people from different walks of life come together to share and support each other.  Seeing people open their hearts and trusting.  Each person shared such an amazing part of their lives with me and I am so very thankful.  My life is so much better for having met and gotten to know everyone even more deeply.

I will say my single most powerful event was on Mt Bachelor with a fellow sibling.  Up to that point there were things I hadn’t shared with anyone or at least in a way that was raw and open.  As we sat there opening our hearts, fears and minds to one another we both could see those walls fall and our trust for the other was complete.  There was such beauty, such comfort and such amazement in being able to connect and share even the darkest moments in our lives.

I sit here now recounting so many things in my life that have nearly destroyed me, tragedies, suicide and abuse.  Out of each one I was able to look back and see such beauty in those tragedies.  There are so many blessings in life, so much love and so many things worth striving for and working toward.  

In all things, even in great loss, there is beauty and blessings, some are hard to find.  Love is everywhere and is in each of us.  It is in a smile, a kind note and in salvation granted to us by Christ.  I hope and pray that I continue to struggle, to learn, to see beauty, to find Love in those around me.

“For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”        

Love, kindness and compassion

Love, Kindness and Compassion

Rising from the ground with tears in my eyes, the air was cold and darkness was all around except for the windows of the single wide behind me.  My only real memory of my father after he kicked me out of his home at age five was this night. 

As the realization of what had happened sunk in and my whole world crashed down before me.  My faith in one person, my belief in something greater than me was full and the future which I had put all my dreams in had just ended in a thundering crash.  What would I do, where would I go and who do I trust now that all things that I believed in have been lost.  I lost my self in a path of darkness and despair.

Her words echoed in my ear as I feel to my knees in total shock.  The answer to my question was suicide.  Standing over her body in an empty room I spoke to her with tears streaming and earnest words of love and regret.  I could have saved her if I would have just shared my own journey with suicide and the darkness within my own heart.  My sister was now dead.

The tragedy in my life brought me down several paths of alcohol abuse, neglect and simply trying to forget the pain anyway possible.  I’ve found that no matter who I am, what I believe or how strong I think I am, I can be broken.  It is in this brokenness that I found light.  It was in my despair that I found hope and it was in death that I found life.  Where do I go from here I’ve asked myself many times.  What is the value of this life and where does happiness come from?  I found that my joy and happiness comes from within, that Love is real and that hope and faith is once again mine.  It is in the darkness that I finally started to understand the light and it was in death that I saw the value of life.  How did I get where I am and how did I find love, happiness and joy?  These are thoughts for another day.

This is the core of my words, how I rose above tragedy and changed my life and opened my heart.  How I found true love in myself and how I came from the ashes of despair to find the greatest joy and happiness.  I share this in hopes of helping someone in some small way, to inspire those reluctant souls toward an open heart, to save my sister whom I failed and to try to bring glory to God.

In all the world, Love matters most.