My precious gift...

There was a time in my life that I lost my drive, I lost my desire to enjoy life, I lost my passion. There were few things that I enjoyed and I was in a place that continued to grow dark and damp.  My passion for life had faded away under the weight of everyday life and dreams that failed to come true. How easy it was to wake one day and not recognize the man before me.  The years thundered by and I found myself lost and in an unfamiliar place.  Where did the young man filled with life go?  Where was the adventurer who climbed mountains and traveled counties just to experience the random moments of life?  Where did my passion go?

I found my passion after some soul searching and found myself once again in a place with limited security, no backup plan and so filled with excitement that I could hardly stop smiling.  I started volunteering and giving to others through several different organizations, I started finding those back country trails that were seldom used.  I found a joy for life that I had never known.  Happiness that was hardly ever lost and seldom a time it wasn't present.  I found myself with an open heart.

It was in my heart that I started discovering the joy of life and that joy came mostly from relationships with beautiful people that I surrounded myself with.  I found that having an open heart and a passion for life was something that brought about a joy that I had never imagined or believed possible.  My open heart didn't come without strings and those strings were attached to words like; betrayal, deception, unkindness, and hurt.  I found that having an open heart and a passion for life had both rewards and costs, yet for me it was full steam ahead.  I wouldn't be held back by the threat of harm and I wouldn't give up the passion of love for the sake of being safe behind walls of the heart.  I found that these walls were almost universal in people of all walks of life.  Walls built to protect the occupant from the hurt that came from human interaction.

I wasn't alone in my adventure of the heart, there were others that both lead a life of openness and even taught others how to be open hearted.  I remember listening to someone once;  Keep an open heart, but carry a shield.  I wondered and pondered those words and came up with my own saying; Keep an open heart and use the shield as a sled.  So that's how I lived my life, I was fearless.  I lived a fearless life with an open heart.  I listened to the soft sound of my heart and I was lead by it.  I was filled with a passion for life and I sucked the marrow out of each day.  What a beautiful way to live.  I would watch the lives of those guarded souls and wonder.  I wasn't above them, I wanted them to join me!

I was happy to find that Christ also asks for an open heart.  He came to free us from the confines of this world and asks us to move out of our carefully constructed and heavily fortified forts that we use to protect our hearts from damage.  Regardless of the reason we move out of our protective places, we can still be certain of harm and hurt.

Matters of the heart are certainly confusing at times.  I have trusted others, letting them in to my world and shared my most intimate places.  My most valuable asset, my heart and the love that comes with it.  I have to say, there's no hurt like the hurt that can come from someone who is in our most intimate place.  It's like having my heart in the hands of another and being dependent on their kindness, compassion and love, hoping that they don't hurt that precious gift.  That's what our hearts are, precious gifts given freely to others in the hope of something greater and more beautiful.

Yet we are only human and regardless if we intend to hurt or not, we are sure to hurt others and they are sure to hurt us.  The deeper I let someone in, the deeper and more tragic the damage that comes from a harmful act or words spoken.  The saying is true, we hurt the ones we love most.  And we do so because they've let us into their most protected of places, they've allowed us to hold their most precious gift.  Once hurt we want to retreat to our protective places, our walls, our place of safety and comfort.  What we don't see and often times overlook is the opportunity for an even greater depth and an even greater reward in such times.  This is when courage is most needed and it's when I can say that I've struggled.  To find refuge behind a wall or do I boldly stand my ground opening my heart to more damage.

That's the big question for me;  Do I stand openly knowing that hurt will come, knowing that the next blow may bring me to my knees, willing to take the risks of love?  Will I?  Should I?  Would you? For me, the answer is yes!  Yes I will stand there with my open heart.  I will never retreat to the false security of those walls again.  I was once a prisoner behind my own walls, dismal and damp, dark and cold defined my fortress of solitude.  I will never return.  It is from my vulnerability that I found my greatest joy and it is a place that I will continue to nurture.  My passion for life, my love of others, my joy in Christ all come from my openness they all come from my heart.  For me, kindness, compassion and love flow from Christ to an open heart and with that, there's no way I can close it once it's been opened.  Love is the greatest value in all the world and the fruits of love are kindness, patience, compassion, truth, and obedience to God.

Love, kindness and compassion        

Listening...

I've long thought I had courage. The courage to join the Marines and courage to take long backpacking trips deep into the Appalachian mountains in the dead of winter alone. Courage to face those people who have been touched by suicide and courage to stand up for those things I believe regardless of the opposition. One thing that I haven't had courage to do was face myself. I didn't have the courage to face my own boxes and damage. I didn't have the courage until recently to simply let go of the support system I had built around me and trust God. Jeremiah 33:3 “Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know.”

The past many weeks have been an amazing journey of discovery for me. I've learned about the thorns in my life and have turned them over to God. I dove deep into what they are, examined them and recognize their significance in my life. I do not view them lightly, nor do I ignore their impact on my life. I do recognize their continued presents and each day is a surrender to God, each day is waking and acknowledging their presence. They no longer hold the same power in my life they once did, yet I will remain vigilant watching for them out of fear they could creep back into my life when I'm challenged. "Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me." 2 Corinthians 12:7

I'm searching through my "boxes", discovering them hidden in places long forgotten. Frankly, this can be scary stuff, looking through my own past, at my sister's suicide, my father, my failures and pain I've caused. I'ts kind of interesting how past damage has a way of creeping into our lives and impacting things. Even when we don't expect it, it creeps in and leaves us bloody and reeling. Until we heal those wounds of the past we will in someway be haunted by them and that haunting can be devastating. I think this is such an important step in my life and I hope others will take heed. It's bloody work dealing with certain things and frankly the most frighting thing I've ever done.

In dealing with my boxes and my challenges I've wanted my support system close. I'm blessed with some of the worlds most amazing people around me and they call me friend. I've been blessed with people from all walks of life that call me family. I'm truly loved and I feel that love from so many people. Yet what I really needed to do was to face these boxes with only one other and that is the point of what I write now. In the past many weeks I've reached out to several friends and family members searching for answers, for reassurance and guidance. What I should have been doing more of was reaching out to God. I'm not saying that our support systems aren't important, they are very important, but there are times when we should all walk with just God. My question is how? How do I trust God with these things?

Coming to a point of trusting God more has taken me time, it has taken prayer and actively searching for him in my everyday life. I've seen his work in people's lives, I've seen his work in my life, I've seen amazing beauty and Love that there's no denying a powerful and loving God. Yet why is it so difficult for us to simply let go of control and believe? Maybe the answer is different for us all. "Joy is full-forward acceptance and contentment in whatever situation we find ourselves because God is in control and is doing what is best for us." Peter doubted Christ, and Christ said that if we only had the faith of a mustered seed we could move mountains. Peter did move mountains, but it took time. I wanted to be able to move mountains too, to flip a switch and simply believe he would take care of me. I've learned now that it takes time to trust, to understand and to see the living God. It also took being still and listening.

For the first time in my life I'm really listening. I'm really being still and listening to things, to people and to God. My life is quite with so very few interruptions. I've stopped calling on others, I've stopped volunteering, I've stopped filling my days with distractions. What I can hear in the quite is profound to me. I hear my heart beat. I hear the sound of the birds. I hear my footsteps. I hear the Spirit and I hear the Father through his word. I know for many people finding that time to devote to being still and to silence is difficult. It was so very easy for me to find excuses why I couldn't, yet above all else we should seek God first.

"Live a life that pleases God by reading and following his word, praying to him and listening to him every day. Follow the godly advice of others. As you continue to grow in Christ, you will be filled with God’s Holy Spirit, and be daily transformed into God’s likeness. Knowing what pleases God in our daily lives will become second nature. God sees our hearts, if we earnestly seek him with all our hearts, we will find him."

A prayer I say daily that helps me.

"God, please let your will be done… Let your will be done in my life always. If what I am about to do is not your will, please give me an unrest about it. Please put a stop to it. Lead me in the right path. I want to follow your will. I want to walk in your way…. if this is what you want me to do, please confirm it to me and grant me peace concerning it. Bless the work of my hands and let me glorify and honor you in all that I do. Let me live to testify your goodness. Show me what to do. Lead me where to go. Show me what steps to take. Thank you Lord, because I know your plans for me are for good and not for evil. Thank you because I know you have me on your heart. Thank you because you are my Father and You love me. And I know I have peace in you. Amen.”

I share this with you in the hopes that it will help someone grow closer to God. That someone will be willing to turn over their lives to God and believe. It is my deepest hopes that it brings glory to him. Following and growing in Christ takes a lifetime and it's only when we are with him that we are fully complete. He has an amazing plan for us all and he has blessings that go beyond our greatest dreams. We can choose to do things our own way and we may do fine, but if we do them his way our lives will be enriched beyond our greatest hopes.

Love, Kindness and Compassion

My Thread...

I became a Christian almost two years ago.  I was so excited and looked for what I needed to do next, joined the church, went to the men's group, prayed each day and read the bible.  So, this is what it means to be a Christian I thought.  God said there's more.  I want you to do this...

My relationship with Jenni started with us talking about God months before we started dating and when we did start dating God was the primary focus, most of the time.  One thing that God was teaching both of us was intimacy with him.  He wanted more from both of us and he wanted us both to know what it was like to be truly married to Christ.  I can't speak for Jenni, but I got lost in the relationship with her.  God said no, that's not what I had in mind.  He wanted me to work on my own personal "thorns" and grow in him.

Today I'm facing my thorns, acknowledged them in my life and with his help have come to a place of understanding them, it's on going work that will take a lifetime.  It certainly breaks my heart and crushes me to see Jenni out of my life for this to happen, but frankly I'm not sure I would have been able to get this far with my focus on her.  Just like us growing in our intimacy with God, I imagine he has more work to do in her as well.  There's reason's he brought us together.

Thorns are being faced, boxes being opened and I'm growing in my intimacy with God.  I'm done, I've reached the goal that God set for me.  God says NO James, I have more work you need to do.  So he points me in the direction he wants me to go, handing it over to him and trusting....  That's so very much easier said than done.

Below is from my couples bible and it's so profound and eye opening to me I just had to write about it.  I have been lead back to this single thing for months now and I haven't bothered to give it real prayer and time. Yet I'm forced to now.  I'm one of the foolish one's that must trip over many stones to get the point, one of God's more hardheaded children.

"To keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me."  2 Corinthians 12:7

""My life is but a weaving between my God and me I do not choose the colors;  He worketh steadily.  Oft times He weaveth sorrow, and I in a foolish pride Forget He sees the upper-, and I the under-side.  Not till the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly will God unroll the canvas and explain the reasons why the dark threads are as needful in a skillful weaver's hand.  As the threads of gold and silver, in a pattern he has planned."  Grant Tuller

"Paul's letters to the congregation in Corinth are interwoven with threads of pain and joy.  Sometimes Paul recounted his great apostolic calling and used it to persuade the church to accept his authority.  Other times he wandered about in near despair, pleading with his fellow believers for support.  In 2 Corinthians 12:1-10, Paul slid from ecstasy to entropy, ending up with reflections not unlike those of Tuller.

He could have been writing a journal entry about the relationship of any couple.  We thrill when we first make eye contact.  We find our days energized as we become engaged and plan for marriage, and our nights are vivid with passionate dreams of our life together.  When we marry and are happy with each other, we carry our partner along on the currents of victory.

But there are also pages in our relationships when days pass without a note, and those that finally appear are short and tear-stained.  We feel the thorn of sickness.  Lost opportunities.  Foolish mistakes.  Broken promises.  Our elation bursts, our energy escapes, and the darkness becomes our closest friend.  What do we say then?

Perhaps, with Job, we need to be reminded that not all suffering comes from God, and that no suffering is beyond God's care.  Perhaps, with Paul, we need to claim a larger perspective that prevents us from getting stuck too long in the darkness of depression.

If today is the best day of your life, it won't last.  Tonight might be an inch short of hopeless;  it won't last either.  Whatever has brought you to this moment is only part of the story of your life and relationship.  The rest is yet to come.  Put all of it-dark thorns and shining threads- into God's hands, and he will sustain you."
Wayne Brouwer

Love, Kindness and Compassion

Unpacking....

Diving deep into my hidden boxes I decided to start at the beginning. The event in my life that would touch every single relationship I would ever have. It would affect many of my decisions throughout my life.

At the age of five me and my sister were with our dad on a cold night. He had a crock pot of beans cooking and the cord was strung from the wall to the kitchen table. Walking by I tripped over the cord and knocked over the pot of beans. His anger flared, his abuse was devastating and tragic for me, ending with him kicking me out of his home on a hill in the dark of night. I have no memories of him after that day, until.

In sixth grade I was called to the office. Walking in there were several people in the room and the first person I saw was my sister standing there crying. Our eyes met and tears flowed down my face and even now as I write this and reflect on the look in her eyes that day, I cry. That moment is forever etched in my mind, the look on her face, the tears in her eyes and the openness of her heart. Looking to the man standing close I saw it was my dad. The principal looked to me and said that my father was here to see me. I looked to him and said that my father was dead.

From that day forward I told everyone that my father was dead. He never tried to contact me again and as a child I had no idea how to process what had happened up to that point. I struggled through my childhood as a boy with no father. I watched my friends with their dads and wished… I would go to sleep at night dreaming of having a father, having someone to teach me to fish, to hunt, to camp and to be a man. My childhood was very much scarred by not having a father or at least knowing that there was something missing.

Those tragic days have been buried deep inside me and the emotions I felt on those days haven’t been touched until recently. After spending a week reflecting on my dad, writing about what happened and asking God for both forgiveness and healing those tragic and raw my emotions came out. I was once again a little boy in a house with my dad… I once again felt the rush of pain that I had that day in 6th grade. My heart and soul were opened in a tragic way as I poured out my pain and frustrations.

I was left struggling to find a way to forgive something that had become unforgivable. The best description I could find was this:

"Forgiveness is not merely a soft attitude toward a harsh fact; forgiveness is the vital action of love, seeking to restore the harmony that has been shattered."

How can I offer forgiveness for what happened. In prayer I found a way. I wrote him and offered just that. I do not know his mind or what he will do with my words. For me, it was letting go of something desperately tragic in my life and finding a peace that only God can bring.

Love, kindness and compassion