The Abyss of my Soul…

I wake and find my way into the bathroom, looking into the mirror to discover this man before me.  The effects of my latest drug has started fading and I start wondering where I’ll get my next fix.  I know I must use, to be a slave to its effects and how it keeps the strong pull in my heart at bay.  My drugs filling this void inside me when I can find enough.  I’m sure I’ll get the right combination, the right dosage and something that others will find acceptable.  I think to myself; ‘I can control it this time, this time it will be different I’m sure.’  My latest drug is a safe alternative to what I’ve used in the past, many others are using it and their happiness abounds it seems.  ‘This time will be different…I’m sure.’

I heard the calling of my heart, felt the passion and desire to fill the void which lies deep inside me from an early age.  I filled that call or passion with different things throughout my life, I’ve tried experimenting with so many and each of them seemed to fill me if just for a moment.  Most people look at me as someone who has an adventuress spirit and it guess that’s true in many ways.  I’ve felt the strong urges to find something or someone to fill this abyss of my soul.  It’s uncontrollable to me, I can’t fight it or even struggle against it.  No matter how hard I’ve tried, I cannot give up my usage.

No matter how you look at the world there is only one kind of person, just one.  We are more alike than different and we all feel the pull to fill our soul, a powerful desire to find something to quench this thirst inside us.  What is this desire that continues to find a way into our lives, into our thoughts and into even the most powerful of emotions?  What are these things we use to fill this desire?  Most importantly why is it there?

“It is the nature of desire not to be satisfied, and most human beings live for the gratification of it.”  Aristotle

The drugs we use to fill our void, our abyss are familiar to us and they go by different names such as;  gods, addiction, idols and even religion, they are used like an addict might use heroin and the addiction is even stronger.  The gods that we worship are in fact at times so acceptable that we don’t even notice that they are indeed being used to fill a void inside of us.  We use:  Exercise, eating, sex, dating or the thrill of being pursued, affairs, drugs, relationships, toys and possessions, work and the list is endless.  We even use the virtues and laws of religion to fill this call inside of us, buried deep into following what we perceive to be the carefully laid out path of being a good follower.  For myself, I’ve used the routines of Christianity to help satisfy the call.  I’ve read God’s word, gone to church, volunteered and prayed.   

There are also those that decide to ignore this call, to pretend that the abyss inside us simply doesn't exist.  We lack a passion and muddle through our lives in the endless routine that brings us our false security.  Our damaged and scared hearts only seem to re-enforce the idea that we should ignore this call.  We may find ourselves living out small specks of another story, a much smaller story inside our own minds.  Living a life of fantasy in pornography, social drama or believing we have the perfect family or life.  Choosing instead of searching for that something to bridge the gap or fill our abyss, to live a life of fantasy and deception.  Our fruitless attempts always end the same way, in our closely guarded and maintained deception coming down around us at some point.  We blame, we curse and we are sure that if we simply believe or pray hard enough our deception will stand next time.  And once again consume our lives with discipline and duty.  In our closed and guarded hearts, behind the walls built firmly to keep all peering eyes out lies a spirit that has long lost its life and true love and kindness are replaced with pride, fear and indifference.  It is our great fear that holds us at bay, daring not to travel beyond the boundaries of our own deception.  We choose the path that is well lit and populated with familiar faces and companions such as hate, pride, anger, shame, indifference, guilt and lust.  Behind our walls we entertain these companions and give no notice to the death of our passion and calls that we once heard.    

We also have years of damage from various people that lead us toward ignoring or giving into addiction.  For me, it started with my fathers abuse and abandonment.  This lead to feelings of inadequacy and rejection that have left a path of destruction in someway through my life.  I never had a positive male role model, never had that man to teach me to be a father, husband and godly man.  On to words that struck deep from others, actions that wounded and failures of my own making.  All are used by God's enemy, Satan, to re-enforce the idea that we should stay close to our addictions.  We have the false belief that if we have control, if we can simply maintain control that life will be better.

“The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is based on merely human rules they have been taught.”  Isaiah 29:13

Regardless of what we choose to do in response to this call or passion, it’s clear that we can’t see it for what it truly is and instead look at it with both fear and misunderstanding.  This is one road that we can choose to take.  One direction for our hearts, to fill this desire with people and/or things or we can choose to try to ignore it in some way.  There is a second road that we can choose to travel.  A path that is much less followed and comes with fewer guide posts, no known guarantees and what we see as danger just beyond the undergrowth.  If we allow ourselves to really listen to the beckoning call that resonates within us, to understand that it comes from this other road we are filled with a fear of the unknown.  Few speak about this road, in church we hear about it at times, but fail to understand fully what the words refer.  

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

I look back one more time at those familiar companions calling so fiercely for my return.  The desire for the known calling deep in my own heart.  Fear grows as I consider the unknown and traveling this road without my familiar gods.  My ears sharpen and my attention is drawn away from what I've known all my life to a voice beyond.  Looking down at the ground in front of me I muster what courage is left.  Lifting my foot and looking beyond I step off down this road.

The call that we hear, that all of us hear, is God.  From the time in the garden he has desired an intimate relationship with us.  He delights in us, loves us with such a passion and desire that we can't even begin to understand.  We were created in his image and made for him.  He has since our creation desired a closeness with us that can only be found through this road.  The abyss is our own desire to be one with God, a burning desire to be close to the Creator.  We spend our lives ignoring, trying to kill or trying to fill this abyss with intimate relationships and sex, finding they bring us closest to filling this abyss.  We dare not trust him as he reassure our fearful souls.  Our trust and devotion remain with the known even when we understand who is calling us. At least traveling the other path we can control which companion we travel with and how we travel. Control often times comes from fear and it is this fear that keeps us from traveling the path of intimacy with God.

I have had many gods or addictions but by far my favorite drug is service.  I am without a doubt addicted to helping and serving others and to the affirmation that comes with service. God calls me, I become a Christian, he urges me into an intimate relationship with him, on to taking away my addictions.  I am left standing there watching my life love, my addiction, slowly slipping out of my grasp.  It is only now, after listening to those closest to me that I understand.  Only through prayer, reading and journaling do I finally see.  The call, the addiction and the passion that rages in my soul was put there by God and it was a desire that can only be filled by God.  It is a desire to be close to him and it is a desire that we all have.    

Today, I stand as a shinning example of an imperfect man.  With countless mistakes and failures behind me I look forward to a life that is much different than the one I've lead up till now.  I see that my validation comes from my Father, I surrender my control over to Christ and I listen as closely as possible to the words of the Spirit.  I've never been known for someone who takes even the best of advise and have instead chosen to fall on my face and learn the hard way.  With that in mind, on a daily basis I make mistakes, I fail, I fall and I always will.  It does bring a comfort that I've never known in turning to God, in following the other road.  I still find myself fearing things, I still crave my past addictions at times.  Yet, there's something beyond my ability to describe that gives me comfort and a feeling of safety, love and security that has never been mine.  

It is my prayer that these words cause you to stop what you're doing.  To find a quiet place to pray and reflect.  Look at your own life, search for what God really wants for you.  It's easy to hide behind devotion to church, kids or marriage.  It's easy to ignore the call and it's easy to believe the lessons learned from past mistakes or damage.  God is love, Christ is the embodiment of that love.  The love he has for us is simply beyond our understanding and he calls us to an intimate relationship, he calls our heart.  Let us let go of the lessons learned from years of damage, breakups, deaths, broken trust and heartbreaks and accept something more beautiful and brilliant.  Look closely at the two roads and listen closely for the call.

Love, Kindness and Compassion

Three books to read:  

The Sacred Romance, Drawing closer to the Heart of God

Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave: Finding Hope in the Power of the Gospel

When people are big and God is small

 

Finding Beauty...

I remember a time not very long ago when the world was a dark and lonely place.  I viewed it in such a way that there was evil and darkness at every turn and the people around me were looking out for themselves, looking out for number one.  It's interesting how often times we are taught at an early age to be afraid of others and to look out for ourselves.  We are hurt again and again by different people in our lives, I know I've struggled with being hurt and with hurting others.  How am I to learn to trust people if they keep failing me, abandoning me or causing such pain?  Childhood, and it doesn't end there!

Four and a half years ago my sisters death shook my life and had recently dealt with a friend of mine who had contacted me the night of his suicide.  These events were  hard to understand and hard to process.  They also reinforced what I already knew, the world was an ugly place and was filled with suffering.  It hit me one day in December of 2010, I remember it so well because in many ways it was a turning point in my life, in the way I looked at the world.  I had long ago given up on people, seeing them simply as cruel and hurtful souls, damaged themselves and living a life that simply looked out for number one.  

The world we see is a reflection of what we have in our hearts.  Wow... It hit me that December day, how I saw the world was indeed a reflection of the pain and suffering I had in my own heart.  I really can't say that enough, how we see the people and events in our lives so often times reflect our own pain.  So what was in my heart that caused me to see the world as such a dark place?  I dove deep into understanding myself and why the world was such a dark place.  I started listening to others, seeing their pain, their suffering, understanding my own pain better.  Finding away to change my feelings:  sadness, abandonment, malice, frustration, and any negative feelings that I had, I focused on and struggled to understand where they came from.  Those feelings run deep inside us, embedded, lessons learned early in age and only re-enforced through the years.  I've seen it, seen it in myself and others.  I've reacted to something, cut off my compassion and love to react in a protective way.  They are out to hurt me, to abandon me, to take from me and to destroy my tender heart.  All I had learned many years ago.  So how do I relearn, what I had learned?

I don't have the answers to that question for others, I'm not even sure of how I came to a point where I see my days as beautiful.  I'm sure that even in my days of rejecting God, he was working in my life.  He just wouldn't give up on me.  Looking back I can see a carefully laid out path that couldn't have been anything less than God's hand in my life.  It's difficult sometimes to see the beauty, yesterday I struggled with the idea that someone had malice intent toward me.  From my perspective they wanted to see me hurt.  Yet what I didn't see was where those feelings I was having were coming from.  Why did I feel that way?  What were they feeling or what did they believe that caused them to strike out toward me in a way that caused me pain?  That puts the ball back in my court.  I took offence to someone else's actions and had to decide to reach out in a compassionate and loving way or to be offended and angry.  Compassion is love in action, compassion is a willingness to not only feel for another, but to take action or in my case, to simply be still.

There's beauty in walking the snow covered trails of the Appalachian mountains.  Beauty in watching the sun rise over the Atlantic ocean from my kayak.  I remember rising to the surface of a dive in the East China sea just before the sun set, the dive was absolutely the best ever and we sat there silent as the sun sank below the water.  That was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen in my life, until I started seeing something even more beautiful.  The single most beautiful thing I have ever seen was seen this year for the very first time.  It was finally understanding God's love for me, finally diving deep into his heart and allowing him into mine.  Letting down my walls to the One who wants me closest and wants the very best for me. The most beauty in this world is growing in understanding for God's love for us.

The second most beautiful thing, is you.  It is in seeing the human heart, growing closer to another person, seeing them for who they are and not what we hope to gain from them.  It is in seeing my sons rise all sleepy headed and asking me what's for breakfast.  My sons are different in many ways, and they are both so very much beautiful.  Seeing the heart of a love, sitting there as dreams and hopes are shared, as fears are explored and as a hopeful desire for better things radiate from them.  Standing in line at the grocery store as a child shares with his parent about the excitement of an upcoming event.  Watching as the person in front of me raises their hands in worship of God for the first time.  Having a child wrap their arms around me with no words to be found, only the love from their heart and a desire for comfort.  It is in seeing how contagions a smile is while walking the isles of the local Food Lion.  It is in seeing someone free of the constraints of past prejudice and their eyes open to a new world.

Beauty is all around us, everywhere and in everyone.  Even in the darkest of times and places, there is a fragrant and beautiful flower that we can choose to focus on.  It is in deciding to live a life of love, kindness and compassion, even if we were taught otherwise.  We have such a short time to live, to give, to love and to make a difference in this world.  I hope that today, you will see beauty, that you will find a reason to infect your school, home or workplace with a smile.

Love, Kindness and Compassion