“It’s true the manipulator is the loneliest person in the world. And the second loneliest is the person being manipulated. Unless we’re honest with each other, we can’t connect. We can’t be intimate. Only God can penetrate a manipulative person’s heart, and even then, he sits quietly, waiting for them to stop running their con.” Donald Miller
I am writing this with other abused men in mind and primarily within the church setting. As I write these words, I’m overcome by a deep sorrow for those who are enduring abuse by someone they love. I interviewed four other men who shared similar situations as mine, out of those men two also faced the smear campaign that seriously damaged their relationship with their church and community. I wish I could come alongside every man who’s facing abuse by a spouse and show them love and support. This chapter of my life has been the most difficult and to be honest, I wouldn’t change the fact that I went through it.
I hope to leave you with a feeling that you’re not alone in this struggle. That it isn’t your fault that this happened and that it’s not your fault that your wife or girlfriend is emotionally abusive. No matter how damaged or wounded they are, they don’t have the right to abuse others. I know that in this dark time it may feel like the whole world has abandoned you and even the throne of God is closed off. I want you to know that Jesus loves you and is suffering with you through this trial. I hope to both offer support and to point you to Jesus. I pray that my words reflect Christ and His love for us.
“For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot.” Romans 8:7
Alpha…
For the sake of this post, I’m going to refer to all emotional abusers, including mine, as Alpha. I can’t say that all Alpha’s are the same, but I believe that they’ve all developed similar coping skills and tactics that are used for some reason. I think that they all share a common desire for their own good above others. This means that they will always put themselves, their needs and wants above that of others even when their desires harm others. I think that even when Alpha does good things like volunteering and becoming what seems to be the perfect wife they do so because they get something out of it that serves them more than what they give. I also see that we need to look at Alpha on a continuum, some are more severe than others.
“Transgression speaks to the wicked
deep in his heart;
there is no fear of God
before his eyes.
For he flatters himself in his own eyes
that his iniquity cannot be found out and hated.
The words of his mouth are trouble and deceit;
he has ceased to act wisely and do good.
He plots trouble while on his bed;
he sets himself in a way that is not good;
he does not reject evil.”
Psalm 36:1-4
From my own experience, I don’t think that Alpha has a conscience, nor do they experience any empathy or remorse. Most people have some kind of remorse for behavior that hurts others, but not Alpha. For whatever reason, they do not feel bad about their actions. In the words of my Alpha; “I didn’t ask for forgiveness because I didn’t do anything wrong.” This is oftentimes unbelievable to others who see a world that’s guided by some level of empathy. This lack of empathy also gives Alpha a high degree of freedom to act in whatever way they see fit, as long as their desires are met. Many of their ideas and motivations come from this place void of empathy. It is important to understand that Alpha doesn’t function like other humans. They cannot see their faults, much less own them, unless it serves them as a tool for manipulation. In our minds we think that if we can only help them see how they’ve hurt us and others they’ll change, yet they can’t. Without empathy they cannot fulfill Christ’s command to love others as yourself. Without repentance, they cannot know His saving grace. ¨Repentance is the fruit of salvation.¨
“When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth, just like you did.” Jill Blakeing
For reasons that I’m not going to dive into, Alpha desires control more than anything else and they’re willing to use any tactic to gain that control. Here are a few of the most common and the ones that were used against me. Shaming/humiliating: Alpha will use our real and imaginary mistakes and flaws to belittle and tear down those people closest to them. They repeat this shaming over and over, reinforcing it with true and false evidence. People who have been torn down are much easier to control. Destruction of a partner’s property: They may throw away keepsakes and important items. If it’s of value to you, they may destroy or throw it away for their own reasons. Discounting feelings, needs, and opinions: Since Alpha is a deeply selfish person, they tend to elevate their own feelings, needs, and opinions over those of others. Justification: In Alpha’s mind, truth is relative and reality is their own perspective and they both depend on Alpha’s goals. In this world of a changing narrative, they’re able to justify their behavior. Ignoring: Silent treatments are deadly to relationships. They are a form of emotional abuse because relationships depend on communication. Alpha used silence to control and manipulate, especially when Alpha felt threatened. For me, it felt like a form of abandonment, which Alpha knew was my emotional panic button. Projection: Alpha would at times accuse me of things they were doing. If we confront Alpha on sinful behavior, they would deflect and accuse us. It’s always someone else's fault and most of the time you’re to blame.
“Controllers, abusers and manipulative people don’t question themselves. They don’t ask themselves if the problem is them. They always say the problem is someone else.” Darlene Ouimet
Gaslighting: Making a partner believe lies and undermining reality. Personally, this was one of the hardest to understand and face, especially within the church. We are taught to love others, to believe others and to accept that others are sinful and fallen. All of this is true, yet within the context of a relationship in which a partner is actively trying to control the other by any means necessary the situation quickly becomes destructive. Alpha is extremely charming and persuasive and they use these skills to convince you and others of a false narrative. They will repeat their lies so often and with such skill that you may start to believe it yourself. Alpha will also use others to reinforce their lie by enlisting them. Alpha will convince others, especially targeting people you know, of a lie and many of them in an effort to help will approach you regurgitating this lie. Unknowingly, they’ve become agents of an emotional abuser. When you start questioning your reality, they’re able to start convincing you of almost anything. As you slip deeper into Alpha’s world, you start losing touch with most everything that you once held on to. Looking back, I had no idea what was real and what wasn’t. This includes Alpha’s past, their beliefs and most anything they said. Reality was always dependent on Alpha’s emotional state and their own desire for control and power.
The Body...
Many of the leaders or counselors within the Christian community will try to move you to be some kind of super human that is able to continue to withstand the abuse. As a man, we are called to love our wives, Eph. 5, yet under the weight of the abuse it becomes nearly impossible. It is my belief that in a covenant there are two people and when one of them abandons that covenant through emotional/physical abuse we need to find distance from the abuser. The Bible also acknowledges that the church can be deceived by the abuser, 2 Cor. 11:3. Just like Satan entered the Garden of Eden, the abuser enters the church and manipulates just as the Serpent did. The book of Jude also warns us about people like the abuser; v4 “For certain people have crept in unnoticed who long ago were designated for this condemnation, ungodly people, who pervert the grace of our God into sensuality…” Abusers aren't easily identified, they look like us and even seem to be amazing Christians, yet they pervert the Gospel in order to serve themselves and their father and will speak lies out of their own character, John 8:44.
From a Christian marriage counseling perspective all marriage problems are viewed as two sinners with conflict. They often see the situation as shared responsibility and both are at fault. “Even if he is ninety-eight percent at fault and you are only two percent at fault, you should repent and confess of your two percent. Now try harder.” From my perspective in an abusive relationship this counseling method doesn’t work. Alpha will not admit to their faults and will claim to be right all along. By confessing your own two percent, they may be able to convince others that they were the victim. Confessing my own part to others was one of my biggest mistakes, Alpha was able to build huge lies and use my own confessions as evidence to their validity. Alpha never confessed to anything. In the cases of abuse, one person is guilty and the other is innocent.
From my own experience, I cannot love Alpha into changing, into seeking therapy or repentance. If you acknowledge the abuse and want to find healing for your marriage you cannot do so by loving them so much that they change. The abuser only thinks of themselves and no matter how much you love them, they will always want more. They probably will never see the deep hurt that they cause you and others around them.
Isolation
In my own experience, abuse is very isolating. Finding someone who will not only listen, but who understands my plight was near impossible. Not only does Alpha try to isolate us from others, oftentimes they’ve already told family and friends false negative things about us and occasionally water those lies in an effort to allow the lie to grow. Lies are most believable when they contain elements of truth and Alpha has already done their research on your vulnerabilities and knows what truths to weave into their lie.
In my situation, after I started talking to others about the things that happened, people found it hard to believe that Alpha was lying and that anyone could make up or twist things the way Alpha did. The Alpha’s thinking is so different from others that people simply cannot believe that someone would lie about certain things. In my own situation, Alpha was so convincing and charming that people simply believed them or at least questioned everything enough that they just walked away from the situation. It’s hard. It was the hardest time of my adult life. People that I thought would stand by me were taken by Alpha’s persuasiveness and saw me at least in part through the fictional lens that Alpha constructed.
Here lies a difficult choice, do you defend yourself against the lies or do you keep silent? Alpha has already prepared others for your possible response. They’ve weaved the lies with specks of truth. In my own situation I wish that I had not tried to correct people when they repeated the lies from Alpha or if they believed the lies that were told about me. Alpha knew exactly what to do and say to get a reaction out of me. They knew my most vulnerable places and were willing to use those vulnerabilities to steer and manipulate my reactions. They would push all the right buttons and step back and watch. It wasn’t until I realized what was happening and decided to stop reacting that Alpha finally decided to change tactics. Yet, we don’t ever expect the person that we love to do these things. We don’t expect the person we trust the most to do everything in their power to destroy and hurt us.
Emotional impact
Before Alpha left, I gradually slipped into a feeling of depression and isolation. I found it harder and harder to regulate my own emotions and I was continually being told that I was worthless and wasn’t good enough. It became harder and harder to sleep and I was afraid at times going to sleep next to her. I started to be on guard for manipulation and destructive acts and this led to fear, confusion and a feeling of hopelessness. My life felt like I was on the spin cycle of a washer. After Alpha left, the abuse continued to deeply impact me. I developed unhealthy coping strategies and could only sleep 3-4 hours a day. The isolation continued to increase as Alpha successfully drew my own church family close to her and away from me. I got repulsed looks from others at church and others went out of their way to not look at me. I felt shunned by the people I loved and served, which broke my heart. Most of the people who I had spent the past three years worshiping with had at a minimum decided to stay away from me. The feeling of not only being discarded by Alpha, but abandoned by my church had a powerful impact on me, my heart was filled with sadness. I also had recurring nightmares every night for the first five months after she left. On going intrusive thoughts throughout the day, replaying her words and the feelings that accompanied them. My counselor believed I was suffering from acute stress disorder, which resembles PTSD.
I had a shrinking sense of self. Constantly being told that I bring nothing to the relationship. Struggling to meet the demands and always being told that I’m falling short, that I’m not good enough, that almost all the other men of the world are better at almost everything. I was left feeling alone and isolated. Everything about me was constantly being discounted. I lost hope. To make things worse, I was shamed for being beat down. I was shamed by certain religious leaders that this was my fault and blamed for the abuse that I was receiving.
Perhaps it would be best for you to find support in another church. You’ll have to put away the feeling that people will view you poorly for leaving. We can't control the way others view us and in an abusive and controlling relationship you’re going to lose a lot of people that were in your life, people that you thought would stand by you and love you. It’s so hard to face this fact, but it is one you’ll have to embrace. Try hard not to allow this feeling of abandonment to turn to bitterness and anger. Don’t try to convince them of the truth and most of all, don’t try and stoop to the same level as Alpha. Remember, Alpha is a master at understanding and manipulating others and they’re extremely sensitive to the emotions of others. My advice to you, let go of those people who aren’t willing to seek out the truth and those people who are easily swayed from God’s truth, these people aren’t your friends. For whatever reason their eyes are covered to the truth and may even fall into the charm and addictive personality that Alpha often has.
"Revenge is surviving, getting out, and being a better person than you were, and breaking the cycle." Kristy Green
Finding healing
I think the path to healing is different for everyone, I only hope that sharing my path will help you discover yours. I met with a pastoral counselor for six months and covered a lot of questions. My first question was: Am I crazy? Were the things Alpha was saying about me true, was I imagining it all, was I distorting the truth? What were my own sins/faults in the relationship, how did I get into this relationship and how to handle Alpha moving forward? I learned about setting boundaries and was able to see that Alpha was the reason for this situation. I came to the point of accepting that no matter what I would have done, how much I would pray, or how much love I poured into her, it would not have changed the outcome. I accepted that I did not make Alpha this way and that I cannot change her. Find a counselor that uses an integrated counseling model and has experience in abusive marriages.
"One doesn't have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient." Charles M. Blow
I embraced the love of others. There were some who saw through her façade and offered me love and support through this time. I suggest that you turn to those that love you, keep their counsel. Your Alpha is going to pull friends and maybe even family away from you. Remember, they are experts at manipulating others and know how to push buttons. Don’t confide in anyone that you believe to be a part of their harem, you’re simply not going to be able to convince them that they’re supporting an abuser.
"For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people." 2 Timothy 2:1-9
I had to learn to stop projecting my own morality and empathy onto Alpha. I think we are all guilty of some form of projection, for me it was expecting Alpha to care about my feelings. They sometimes did, but only as far as it served Alpha’s desire for control. “Validate your reality as opposed to the one the abuser has created and distorted for you through gaslighting and projection.” It takes a long time to get your footing back after spending any amount of time on the “spin cycle” of Alpha’s narrative. The abuse from Alpha also forms a kind of trauma bond, research it. Understand the positive feelings you have for Alpha. Reconcile the true Alpha with the façade that Alpha portrays. The abuse, neglect, lies, deceptions and manipulation is the true Alpha and the mask is what they used to hook you and others.
Moving on
Let go of the idea of holding them accountable for their actions. They’ve abused in the past and you simply cannot stop them from doing it again. You’ll have to come to a place of forgiving them and those that supported your Alpha. Forgive the people who turned their back on you, remember what Jesus said; “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Luke 23:34. These people were taken in by the persuasiveness and charm just like you were. Forgiving them frees you, it doesn’t free them. Remember the three C's: "I didn't cause it. I can't cure it. I can't control it."
Let love be first
Regardless of what people did to Jesus, He was still Himself. He didn’t strike out in revenge, He didn’t hold a grudge and even in knowing that all His disciples would abandon Him, He loved them. This may be the hardest thing to do; to love your Alpha. Yet our Lord commands us to love them and pray for them. Loving them doesn’t mean you allow them to abuse you, it doesn’t mean that you allow them to continue their actions, it does mean that you should reflect Christ in all that you say and do. Understand that it was God’s grace that you were saved and you could have very easily been born into the same situation that led Alpha to be the way they are. We are called by God, we are chosen, let that truth burn deep. The difference between us and the Alpha’s of the world is very small and it all depends on God’s grace.
Remember that God is in control and He uses what the enemy meant for evil for our good. This time of my life was by far the most difficult. I see many lessons that were learned and my relationship with Jesus has never been closer. I believe that God withdrew and allowed me to be sifted and tempted by Satan, in which I relied not on God, but on myself. God showed me many hidden sins in my life and flaws in my own idea of God. I’m sure He will work other blessings into this situation for others that were involved.
Recall the ways in which you’ve offended God, recall the forgiveness that you have received from God. If I’m truly honest with myself, I’ll see that the amount of forgiveness that I’ve received from God is significantly more than the forgiveness I need to give Alpha. Refer to the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matt 18:21-35. Even if Alpha never asks for forgiveness, nor even acknowledges the harm caused, never a “I’m sorry”, I still must find a place in my heart to forgive them. It is only through Christ that we can do so.
“All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain, the victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.” Judith Herman
Duty
Read Luke 10:25-37. What we see is someone in need being passed by the religious leaders and helped by someone of low social standing. That needs to be you, it needs to be me. We each have to decide if we’re going to be the Levite, priest or the Samaritan.
“Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer
We need to hear that God loves us and hates the evil that has been perpetrated against us. They need to know that we love them with the love of Christ. The people who have faced abuse from a spouse need to know that you’ll stand by them, shelter them and protect them from the abuser. We read in 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 that we are to comfort others, this isn’t an option or something that we can turn a blind eye to. Your own story of abuse doesn’t belong to only you, you’re called to use that story to help others.
"But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace." 1 Corinthians 7:15
