Dating (part 2…)

I wanted to add a few thing to the post I made a couple of years ago on dating.  Hopefully our perspective and view of things keep evolving and growing.   

"People may attain some natural ideas of spiritual truths by reading books, or hearing sermons, and may thereby become wise in their own conceits; they may learn to imitate the language of an experienced Christian; but they know not what they say, nor whereof they affirm, and are as distant from the true meaning of the terms, as a blind man, who pronounces the words blue or red, is from the ideas which those words raise in the mind of a person who can distinguish colours by his sight."  John Newton

There are those who can pretend to be someone they’re not.  They may have a handsome mask in which they’ve spent years perfecting.  We all wear some sort of mask, at least some of the time.  Our own fear, shame, desire to be accepted, to be loved and to be something that we believe others will want.  In a lot of ways, speaking from my own life, we are not completely authentic.  I think as followers of Christ, He will move us to be more like Him by abandoning and putting to death our natural selves.  

I think there are some important things to look for in a romantic prospect to help determine the authenticity of another.  It’s fairly easy for people to pretend to be someone they’re not and there are a few people who have spent a lifetime studying and understanding human nature in order to take advantage of others.  There are a few, who lead others to believe that the mask is real with an amazing level of effectiveness and I believe that the church is a great place for them to hide.  So, from my perspective here are a few ways to spot them and look for that authentic mate. 

"Conviction is a work of the Holy Spirit, so let him do it. And if the other person is never convicted of their sin, that's an important piece of information about their spiritual health which will help you make future decisions about your relationship with them. Don't ignore it or make light of it. To never be convicted is serious business." Natalie Hoffman

I see conviction, repentance and forgiveness as being three important works of the Holy Spirit and are the hardest to fake.  We must rely on God to truly be convicted, repentant and forgiving, without the intimacy with Christ, we struggle.  For a certain group of people, it will be almost impossible for them to face their own sin, flaws or how they hurt others.  I hope that by briefly looking at these three qualities it will help identify the authenticity of a possible mate.  

“The sinner is bold and daring, and will not consider his sin, but when the Holy Spirit takes the Word of God home to his heart, He brings him to the bar of justice; He convicts him and shows him his condemnation, and the sinner feels and realizes and acknowledges his guilt and condemnation.” Larry Slawson 

“And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing.  In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.  For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake.  For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.”  2 Cor. 4:4-6 ESV

From His word we learn that conviction is the work of the Holy Spirit, I cannot be someone else’s holy spirit, I’ve tried and failed. I used to look at conviction in some kind of legalistic way.  Yet, I see it more as intimacy and tenderness now.  Speaking for myself, being convicted of my sin brings both deep guilt and beautiful joy in His forgiveness and salvation.  I’m brought low in knowing how I’ve hurt, sinned against, gone against, rebelled against my Father with whom I love.  As my love for my Father grows, my sorrow for my sin grows.  There’s also a powerful joy in being shown the hidden sin in my life and for being forgiven.  One of the consequences of habitual sin, is that it’s blinding.  

"When the light shines and the Spirit brings conviction of sin, be a child of the light. Confess your wrongdoing, and God will deal with it. If, however, you try to vindicate yourself, you prove yourself to be a child of the darkness."  Oswald Chambers

“It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us; it is the very sign of His presence.”  C.S. Lewis

I don’t really understand what it means in someone’s walk if they’re never or seldom convicted of sin. I do know what it’s like to have someone in my life that seldom sees how they hurt others.  Within the context of an intimate relationship, it has many negative consequences.  We all hurt others in one way or another, but the absence of guilt and remorse for that harm is important.  Justification for ongoing sin should serve as a warning to us when it comes to a relationship with that person. 

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”  1 John 1:9

Many times in my life I’ve been convicted of my sin, yet took time to repented.  As our relationship with Christ becomes more intimate, I think the time between sin and repentance grows shorter.  Within the context of an intimate courtship, being able to apologize to others is vital for many reasons.  Being willing to not only see the dirt in our lives, but being willing to go to your Father and repent.  Repentance isn’t simply asking for forgiveness, but actively turning from our sin and toward God.  "Repentance is the fruit of salvation." In an intimate relationship, pay attention to not only someone’s repentance toward you, but towards others.  Pay close attention to their willingness to be specific about their transgressions, this could be an indication of their lack of authenticity.  Pay attention to the worst relationships in their lives.  Our relationship with God is often a reflection of the worst human relationship we have.  If they hate someone, they may one day hate you.

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”  Matthew 6:14

In my own life, not being willing to forgive someone has had many consequences.  It caused division in the relationship, caused bitterness to grow in my heart and most importantly the division between myself and God.  Unforgiveness for another maintains an active separation between yourself and God.  Within an intimate relationship, not willing to forgive another will cause a rot to grow and spread into every aspect of the relationship.  From my experience, if someone is unwilling to forgive someone in their lives, there will come a time when they're unwilling to forgive you.  

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.”  1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I think if we love God with all our strength and love others we will be guided in the right direction.  Use conviction, repentance and forgiveness as a litmus test in our lives and even those you’re considering an intimate relationship with.  I pray that we all move toward the other in a loving and tender way.  Promoting kindness even in the most difficult of times.  I hope that this post moves you to look deeper into the heart of the person you’re considering a romantic relationship with and moves you closer to Christ.

“Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.”  Roman 13:8

“You can give without loving.  But you cannot love without giving.”  Unknown

Love, Kindness and Compassion

The Marriage... James Gobble & Angela Vannoy

It was a simple message that started the adventure of a lifetime.  She said hello...  On our first date she told me that she would marry me and that same night, her best friend said the same.  They were both right! Over the next month she saw in me the man she had longed for and a man that would direct her toward Christ.  I saw in her a woman that manifested all that I had longed for in a partner in a ministry that God had placed in my charge.  Together we would discover what it meant to have a loving marriage for His glory and our good.

The wedding was set for December 14th 2019 at Christ the King Church in Wilmington NC.  I had asked only two weeks before and she said yes.  We were so certain that this was God's will, two flawed and sinful people being brought together in marriage.  We met at the courthouse to get our wedding licence and the register of deeds ask me what race I was.  Me being one that doesn't like the stigma attached to race said; "All".  Angela looked at me with a straight face as the register said to her; "Honey, it's forever."

We spent Friday the 13th decorating the church and preparing the tables for over a hundred guests.  We sent out an invitation for people to bring food, we didn't even order a cake.  It would be a potluck reception.  We wanted our wedding to honor God, we wanted it to be a worship service.  We had her pastor Brad, from Fuquay preaching, my pastor Rob from CTK, giving a message, my old mentor Christian giving a message and my retired pastor Dave doing the service.  It was amazing and we had done all the right things.  We waited to have sex, we even waited until we were engaged to kiss.  We asked all the right people and read all the right books.  She had been divorce for a year and it was almost 8 years for me, yet we both knew that this was God's will.  

Dave looked at me and said; James Gobble will you take this woman to love and to hold until death do you part?  "I do", was my response.  Dave looked at her and said; Angela Vannoy will you take this man to love and to hold until death do you part?  She responded; "I do".  I now pronounce you man and wife.  We were both filled with excitement, hope, joy and praise for our Lord. 

We joined our friends and family in the fellowship hall for the potluck lunch, mingled with everyone.  I recall being next to her, watching her shine, watching her glow.  I felt like the picture frame to this amazing woman, that is my wife.  Angela Vannoy, my wife.... We made our way downtown for more photos and for us to show off to the world that we were just married.  Our eyes were on the other, our love was full and our joy was in our Lord and each other.  It was one of the most amazing days for us both and we were in love.

It is my hope, that no matter what happens in your life, no matter where you go and who you meet, that you will keep your eyes on Jesus.  That you find yourself whole in Him and in Him alone.

Dating...

I've been divorced for almost five years now and have never really sat down and defined what I'm looking for in a mate.  I've had some basic ideas, yet I've always seen good in people and simply allowed those basic guidelines to be bent here and there.  This is the first time that I've been deliberate about dating, up till now I've simply dated haphazardly.  I've been willing to settle for good when I should have been looking for great.  I've also thought about what I would tell my sons if they were to ever ask me what to look for in a woman.  

I've dated for several reasons since my separation.  I've dated for sex, we were both hurting as it ended, which left some level of baggage and nothing good came of it.  I've dated because I've seen good in someone, which isn't a good enough reason.  There's good in almost everyone and good isn't great.  God's plan is great.  I've dated because someone was fun to be around.  I've dated for a combination of these reasons and more, yet fact is while I was dating for these reasons I was missing out on God's great. 

Even though I've broke both of these rules in the past they are firm deal breakers in my future.  Never date someone who's not a Christian.  I'm not simply saying someone who doesn’t believe there's a God, but someone who doesn’t live a life reflective of the fruit of the Spirit.  Never date someone who's separated.  For one, they're still married and for another they have so much to work through with the dissolve of their marriage that they'll have little left to give to a new relationship.   

What I am looking for:

-Someone who submits to Christ.  Her relationship with Christ comes first in her life and that faithfulness will touch every aspect of her life, from her friends and family to her coworkers.  

-Someone who has a heart of compassion.  Is she willing to be understanding, can she be sympathetic for someone's struggles and does she have grace.

-Someone who's willing to grow, learn and be more.  Can she learn from her mistakes, from others and from me?

-Someone who's confident.  She has an inter assurance of who she is and why she’s here.  A sense of purpose that can only point to Christ.  She will have her own mind, idea's, goals and dreams.  

-Someone willing to wait till marriage to have sex.  It's biblical, it's God's plan and sex before marriage simply damages the relationship in someway.

-Someone willing to commit to having sex after marriage.  God intended sex to be a beautiful event in the life of a couple.  I can't wait to experience physical and emotional intimacy with my wife and have God's blessing.   

-Someone who volunteers or works in a profession that allows her to make a difference in the lives of others.  "You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving."  Christ loved us and commanded us to love others.  She will make that love a priority in her life.  Touching others is a reflection of our hearts.  It shows compassion, it shows courage and it shows confidence.  

-Someone who's accepting, yet courageous enough to challenge others to grow.  Not someone who ties their affection or love to performance.  

-Someone who has a sense of humor.  Can she laugh at the rough and challenging parts of life?  Will she laugh with me in the big and small events?  Someone willing to at least laugh at some of my jokes. 

-Someone who is willing to face their own sin and mistakes.  They're willing to not only admit to mistakes, but willing to be specific.  If they're not specific in their sin and how that sin impacted others, they will not be willing to do so for you.  This is vital if a relationship is to be successful.  

There are other things that matter.  The influences on her life such as her friends.  A willingness to have a partnership that reflects oneness, honesty, loyalty, patience, industrious and being good tempered are important qualities.  What's also important is can someone else see these qualities in me?

How can I expect a Christian relationship if I'm not willing to live a Christian life?  Am I willing to be the man that will attract this woman?  I'm not looking for perfect, perfectly imperfect is more like it.  Fresh from the battle lines, scared and at times bloody.  Mistakes and messes in her past, yet with courage she presses forward.  Like me, she will be willing to see a damaged heart, she Christ's hand in my life and reach out for me.

Proverbs 31

Love, compassion and courage

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly...

I want to be a better man with each step I take in this life.  Of course, I'm often times distracted by different things and people.  But by far my biggest distraction are my own desires.  I really want to know and learn about an open heart and the role that our hearts play in our lives.  I truly want to grasp what it means to be open, authentic and vulnerable.  The one thing that has remained constant in my search is that it always changes.  My perspective on the topics change and once again I'm faced with reexamining portions of my discoveries.  Here's a few things that I see today.

The Good...

I have found that if I live an authentic and vulnerable life I will have more joy and happiness.  I have come into a place that being open hearted has allowed such beauty into my life.  Frankly, there are times that I can't even understand or process some of the joy and beauty that I see.  I see it in others as well.  Those few who live a life open and loving toward others and themselves.  I sincerely believe that living a life that reflects our hearts, being authentic and vulnerable, brings the greatest level of joy and happiness that we can have in our short lives.

The Bad...

As I live a life that reflects my heart I allow the beauty in me to flow out to others.  There's also the not so beautiful parts of me that flows out.  The ugly damaged parts of my life, my fear, my doubt and my selfishness also flows.  I don't think I can control the bad without affecting the good.  If I try and filter what flows from me than I end up filtering the good with the bad.  I don't think we can have an honest life if we're always trying to control what flows from our heart.  What you see is what you get.  With my good, there's also my bad.  I'm afraid sometimes, I want control sometimes, I doubt sometimes.  There are things that lie in the depths of my heart that aren't beautiful and those who know my heart see those imperfections.  My flaws, and yours, are part of who we are and having the courage to allow the world around us to see all of us is in my eyes profoundly beautiful.

The Ugly...

The ugly truth is, the more we allow others to see our true selves the more they will reject, criticize and judge us for our flaws and failures.  That's just the way it is and there's no getting around it.  We may be praised one minute and condemned the next.  Frankly, I've struggled with this ugly truth.  I think most of us seek guarantees and assurances in life, especially in relationships.  When we see the beauty in another, we can't imagine that there's also darkness.  But there is and it's in us all. 

In my mind, I sometimes see a world where we look at others and have compassion for those people who are flawed, yes, that's everyone.  We see the beauty in everyone around us and not only accept their imperfections, but embrace them.

The Beautiful...

We may know this; God see's all of us.  All of our hearts, every single beautiful and dark place in us.  Nothing remains hidden.  We may know this, but we don't believe it.  Not really.  If we did truly believe this we would all follow a different path and see the world in a new light.   In spite of my heart there's a place in the heart of God that only I can fill.  His love for me isn't based on His emotions or my politically correct actions or words, but instead simply on who I am.  His love for you is the same.

I think God wants us to live a life that is authentic and open.  I think He wants us to live a life that reflects our hearts and I think above all else He wants us to be free.  I feel that freedom more and more in my life, yet I struggle for the words to capture it.

Love, Courage, Kindness and Compassion


"Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit.  Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness..."  Galatians 5:16  

"As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart."  Proverbs 27:19

A Lions roar...

Two dead in a weeks time. Two Gold Star kids, Alex Calahan age 13 and Destiny Stafford age 15, that I've shared part of this journey with have had their lives ended. I've struggled for the words to write on this page and I've struggled for the words to say to each of the families. What do we say to someone who's lost so much. You see, these families are not new to grief nor is this the first time they've seen death. Both families have had a father/husband die in service to our country. So what can I say to them now? How can the grief that is now their's be eased by my words?  

I could write something beautiful about each of their lives.  The kindness that I saw from a boy in Texas and the smiles and beauty I saw in a girl in North Carolina.  I could write about what their fathers did and how they died.  Yet I want to write about the next chapter.  I want to write about what comes next in the lives of these two young people and in our lives.

This very moment we have great power, some of us know it's there, yet we fear using it.  We have the power to change lives.  We can choose to heal wounds, help someone in some way, build someone and touch a life.  We can also choose to cause harm, sharpened spears aimed at the heart of another, to destroy and to kill.  We have this power you see, each of us have this power inside of us.  

Most of us choose to sit on the sidelines of the world around us.  Doing the basics needed to survive and make it through another day.  We close our eyes to the war raging around us and simply take care of our own.  Yet regardless of where we were yesterday or the sins of complacency that we committed in our lives we have this day to make a difference and change our direction.

You see, we are Lions!  We are powerful beyond belief and we can change the world!  The moments don't come often for most of us and most of the time we have to seek them out.  The moments we have to touch someone's life and make a difference in the world around us.  A moment to roar like lions...

We will be afraid, we will face those who want to stop us or change us into bitter hoards of self-seeking humans.  Yet if we can look deep into our hearts, summon the courage that is there and with the loudest of voices roar!      

These two young people touched lives while they were with us, yet even after death they are touching lives.  Alex is now a battle flag unfurled in a great war for the hearts of thousands.  His life and death is now being used to save lives in our battle against suicide.  Destiny's body was given to six other families that now have hope for life.  She will go on and change the world through new families.  Her heart still beats strong and her courage lives still.

It is our turn.  Our turn to take advantage of this moment.  Let us use these two amazing people as an inspiration and guide to reach out to the world around us, to touch a single life, and in doing so change the world forever.  Reach out in love, practice compassion, be courageous in our pursuits and be kind to the souls around us.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?”  Marianne Williamson

"Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
Howard Thurman

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." Mark Twain

Love, Grief and all that stuff… (Part 3)

I looked deep into her eyes and into the depths of her soul. She was radiant, beautiful and I was totally taken by what I saw. This woman in a brilliant flash shared her soul with me and I was taken! She was indeed beautiful. I'm not referring to her body or the clothes she wore, it was her heart and soul...It was who she is at the core.

Every woman has something beautiful about them and every woman has in the depths of her heart questions that they've struggled to answer. Women are the healers of the world, the comforters and the givers. A woman once she gives birth has "a piece of her heart walking around outside of her." She can use acceptance in church, work and family in her life to hide from her questions. She can try and control her life, make it what she believes will bury these questions. But her question still remains. Every woman wants to know if she's beautiful, if she's alluring and if she is lovely.

Her wounds are deep and continue to grow deeper and wider through adulthood. Many women had absent/abusive fathers or men in their lives that answered the question and the answer they heard was "no", "there is nothing lovely about you." Wounds continue with there husbands, children and others as they either dominate and control or become a desolate woman who's needy and lost her sense of self.

As a kid my father answered my own questions. I have wondered if I was good enough, if I was man enough or strong enough. I think most men also ask these same questions. In the absence of the the answers or when the answer is a "no" we turn to proving ourselves, wearing masks, pretending and posing. We are by far the biggest group of fakers of the sexes and we hide almost our entire lives.

"No man, for any considerable period of time, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildard as to which may be the truth." Nathaniel Hawthorne

In the absence of my fathers validation and answers I turned to the women in my life. At some point in almost every romantic relationship I turned to them to validate or answer those questions and almost every man has done the same. She can no more answer the question than my dog Jake, yet here I am asking her to. Am I enough, do I have what it takes?

We look to each other for validation. I look to a woman to not only love me, share with me but also to validate me as a man. I look to her for my greatest question, the question that was answered in such a powerful and piercing way. I ask for validation. She too looks to me for validation. The woman with the broken heart, the woman who long ago was had her own question answered. She looks to me and asks.

One of a woman's greatest fears is being left alone or abandoned. This is so engrained by the time a woman is an adult that if they actually find someone that will stick with them they simply don't trust it. Often times pushing away those who are willing to stay or stand by them. A self fulfilling prophecy. I think most women are in their heart filled will loneliness.

Why are so many men refusing to engage? Why are we stuck in a place of anger, lust and fear? Why can't we dive deeper into the hearts of the women we love? Why can't we be more honorable and valiant? Seems most men live their lives in quiet desperation and the women in our lives have come to a place of acceptance of this. We lack the adventure and passion for life that once swelled our soul. We lack the courage to face questions long left unanswered and the willingness to confront the depths of the women we love.

I'll be honest, the depths of a woman's heart is beyond my ability to understand fully. In it is a vast amount of pain, suffering and anguish. There is also great love and kindness. I've seen into the heart of a woman, deep into her heart and doing so can be dangerous. To go there means to face my own questions. It's also a place that I'm deeply afraid I will not be able to help her. What if I'm not good enough? What if I fail her? Does she believe in me? These are things that are hard for a woman to understand and very hard for a man to face.

Loving Better

I started with a question, how do I love better? Each time I came close to an answer or closer to understanding it would change and see something new. Any of us can pick up a book about how to build a better relationship and include things like communication, quality time and so on. Yet there are much deeper questions that we all have and these questions are at the center of our being.

I think the first step in loving better is to look at our own hearts. To reach deep and discover our own damage and our own scars. To find the courage to face the things that scare us to death. We must be willing to reach deep into our wounds and find healing. And we can not do this without being real, authentic and vulnerable.

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best , night and day , to make you everybody but yourself - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight- and never stop fighting.” E.E. Cummings

We must also be willing to accompany our mates into those places and accept them. Have the courage to really listen to her as she exposes her beautiful, radiant and messy soul. Stand next to him as he lets down his masks and allows you to see that he is very much afraid, and offer him love and healing. A woman has the ability to do something that men just aren't very good at, they can help heal a mans heart. In a relationship, we are meant to speak to the others wounds. We offer the other our joy, happiness, beauty and strength.

We also need to stop holding on to the past. That includes past expectations, past lovers, past hopes and dreams. We need to be in the present, in the moment. Stop looking at the joys of a past relationship, comparing ourselves to their past loves and comparing our mates/relationship to the highlight reels on Facebook. Comparisons rob us of happiness today. We also need to stop judging them and start accepting them. Judgment does four things, we lose fellowship with God, exposes pride and insecurity, harms relationships, and invites God to judge us by our own standards. "A critical spirit is a costly vise." Our judgement reflects our own insecurity and pain.

In a relationship we have the opportunity to find at least part of the answers we've been asking all our lives. Yet there is truly only one place we can find those answers. It is from God. It is only in growing our understanding of his love for us and understanding that it was He that was meant to fill those places in us. It is in He that we can find the answers. We truly cannot know the depths of a romantic love and truly know joy in our lives without an intimate relationship with God.

We always believe that we aren't ready for a romantic relationship. We will never be healed enough or know enough, but that's part of it. It isn't in perfection, but in the willingness to strive forward and grow that we should look. Love is certainly a beautiful "action" and we should enjoy it while we have someone in our lives. The grief we have after love ends is the price we pay for love and as terrible as it can be, it was well worth the pain.

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure...than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." Theodore Roosevelt

Love, courage, kindness and compassion

http://www.powerofpositivity.com/9-signs-time-let-go-relationship/

Five Years...

It’s been five years today since Kim Hunter ended her life. It doesn’t seem possible for that much time to pass without hearing about her new success or her crazy adventures. I can remember each anniversary and there isn’t a day that passes that I don’t remember something about my sister.

I wish you could share in my shock over some of the crazy stuff that girl did as a teen. Even thou our mom would disagree, she was a total nightmare! As the years passed, she found her niche and her place in the world or at least from what everyone could tell. It was a combination of things that filled her life with passion and purpose. She loved getting outside and doing things. Which was anything from running, kayaking, the dreaded triathlons and over course making a difference in the lives of others.

 She’s missed by many and her personal impact is still seen in lives around us. Yet in all the wonderful things she did during her life, it was her death that had the greatest impact. I believe her story of life, of death and the struggles of those who loved her have touched many lives outside of their own, which in my view is simply beautiful. To not only inspire and touch others, but to do so in a way that will carry forward to even more people.

 We will all face grief and death. We will all face tragedies that will rock the foundations of our lives. It will be up to each of us to decide what to do with what has happened. We have a story to share, scars to show and lives to touch. We have an opportunity each day to change the world and we can do so one heart at a time.

 Semper Fi Chief Hunter

 Love, kindness and compassion