Those Darn Boxes!

If you can imagine for a moment a house. This house represents our lives. We have different rooms in the house and those rooms are different areas or relationships in our life. Some rooms are used often and others are down right spooky. Now imagine challenges we face in life: breakups, abuse, hurtful words, death and other things. Facing these things are hard and for people like me, it's sometimes easier not to face them at all. So imagine putting that grief or trauma into a box, some boxes are bigger than others and some boxes much stronger. We take that box and we slide it under the bed, we hide it in the closet or we may even sleep close to it each night. Yet we don't dare open the box out of fear. Fear of the pain, hurt and memories that lie inside.

I've used this analogy for years in dealing with grief. Sitting around a grief circle or one on one mentoring. I've written about it from time to time. Helped others work through their own boxes that have come to clutter their home. In all the work I've done with others to find peace in the tragedy I never looked at some of my own.

I found that it was easier for those who help others with their boxes to simply ignore their own. It's easier to help you with yours than it is for me to face my own. I was in Bend Oregon earlier this year working with some fellow siblings. There was a long time therapist who was present for the event. We had a long discussion on her boxes, her fear and her grief. I sat there listening from a place that I thought was box free...

I found that it's incredibly easy to simply ignore my own boxes when I can focus on others. It's so very much easier to simply ignore the clutter in our home when life is beautiful and there's lots of things to enjoy. For me, I was becoming more vulnerable in a relationship and reaching deeper into my own closet. I was finding emotions that I hadn't dealt with in years, even as far back as my childhood.

Something else I've realized, we sometimes do anything to keep from facing our past and opening those boxes. We use people to entertain us, fill us and affirm us. We use drugs, alcohol, work, relationships, spending and exercise to keeps us from facing those darn boxes. Fact of the matter is, if we don't face them they sometimes get knocked over and ruin our day. And sometimes they cost us beautiful things that mean the world to us.

Darcie......

Arriving at my first regional event for TAPS as an employee I was asked if I would pick up Darcie Sims from the airport later that night.  I knew from past experiences with Darcie that it would be well worth losing sleep to pick her up, after all, who wouldn’t want an hour of free therapy from one of the top psychologists in the country!  So that’s where my journey really started with her and what a journey it would be for this simple man. 

We all have stories that can be shared about Darcie and the impact she had on our lives.  Over the past week I’ve seen hundreds of pictures and read a multitude of words from people who have been touched in someway by this remarkable woman.  We learned that it’s ok grieve in what ever way we felt we should.  She taught us that we only have a short time to appreciate this journey of life before it’s over.  There are so many things that can be written and so many lessons that have been learned from her teachings.  I’ve been reflecting on her most important lesson to me and maybe to the world as a whole. 

I don’t think Darcie started out her journey in working in grief with the idea that she would change the world, nor do I think she believed her way was the only way.  As most can testify, she had the ability to bring things down to earth and make each person believe that they were the only one in the room.  I think that’s where her most important lesson lies, in that one person in the room, that single heart and in that single moment in time, the present with a single life in pain.  Her greatest lesson in my eyes was simple words to you and I, they are words we hear from our mom and at church, but they become much more once we apply those words to our lives and start living them.  Those words; Love, kindness and compassion.

Darcie showed that one person can make a massive difference in the world.  She showed that we can reach out and change things for the better by simply looking to a single person and a single heart.  She showed us the importance of Love and offered ways to help make love the “journey” and not just words that are reserved for those we find easy to be around or have something to offer, but for the world as a whole.  Love seems to be the theme of all she did and in my eyes will certainly be her legacy.  She has touched so many lives, God has truly worked through this woman.  This lesson of love will echo through generations, touching many lives to come.  What an amazing story, what an amazing legacy to have.

What’s also powerful is to see that she was only human, only a simple woman no different than anyone else.  She had fears, she hurt others, faced challenges and failed no different than anyone else in the world.  What really stood out was her willingness to reach out to others and try, to struggle toward something outside herself.  To be used by God to help change a single heart.  She had the courage and desire to simply love.

Do we have the same courage?  Can we continue Darcie’s legacy by showing love, by reaching out and by touching a single heart?  You see, this isn’t simply about us, it’s not about Darcie, it’s about something much greater.  We have the power to change the world, yes, as grand and big as it is, we have that power today.  We can make a difference, simply one heart at a time. 

 

My words fall short of what should be written about Darcie Sims and they certainly fall short of glorify our Maker.  These are simple words from a simple man, but it is truly my hope that we do struggle to make a difference.  That we wake tomorrow with a desire to help a single heart, a single person, to show love and to see the beauty in the world around us.  Love, kindness and compassion. 

Semper Fi Darcie Sims, We love you.

Birthday Love....

Four years ago today you woke to face the world, to battle all those same obstacles we all face and to make sense of life.  Four years ago today our mom called you to wish you a happy birthday and to tell you that she loves you.  Four years ago today you had friends that called you, texted you, emailed you to celebrate such an amazing woman.  Four years ago today would be the last two weeks of your life.

I didn’t call you this day four years ago, I didn’t write, I didn’t send a card, nor did I even remember that it was your birthday.  Had I’d known that you would not have another, I would have driven to where you were and with so many others, given you the best birthday ever!!  I would have showered you with love and affection that you deserved and made sure that you knew in every part of your being that you were loved by me.  I would have asked for forgiveness for the words and my actions that offended you, for being a pain in the butt brother, for being selfish and most of all for being prideful.  If I had only known...

Today I write to you, I’ll bake a cake and place a candle on it.  I’ll toast you and spend time with friends who will do the same.  Today I’ll think of the ways that you touched me, changed me and affected my path in this life.  Today I’ll tell someone about you and how you touched so many lives both in the Navy, at church and as a volunteer.  Today I will remember the fun times we shared, the sad times when we cried, the crazy times that don’t need to be mentioned….  

 Today I will tell others “I Love You” as often as possible and take every opportunity to hug someone.  Today I see how important life is, how short it is and how valuable each person is in our life.  Today my heart is open to others, to being hurt and to being loved.  Today, I will share your story with someone else as I continue to add value to your life and death.  Today I see that had I just shared with you my own struggles, you may not have died.  Today I will try and live this day and every day as if it were my most important day, to hold close those I love, to share with others, to try and make a difference in a single life, because….one of these days it will be MY last day and my last birthday.

February 23^rd is your birthday, like so many people I know who have had a loved one die, it is an important date in my life now.  Before your death it wasn’t, but it will forever be so now.  I wish I could fill you in on all the beauty I’ve seen in the past several months of my life, all the amazing things that I’ve experienced and all the wonderful people I have in my life.  Since your death my life has changed so much and I’ve come to spend my life in a way that helps others and in service to God.  I wish I could share with you these beautiful things I see all around me. 

Your life and your death have touched so many lives Kim.  There have been families mended, lives saved and value added to so many.  Not only do I morn your death today, but also celebrate your life.  I want others to see that there is beauty in not only your life, but also your death and I think many do.  So Kim, today I will live… Today I will give… Today I will sing… Today I will embrace life…  Today I will Love…

Happy Birthday Sister….     

My birthday song to you...

 http://youtu.be/tR-qQcNT_fY

Beauty Around Us...

Finding my seat on my flight from Atlanta to Bend Oregon I was next to two wonderful people.  We all talked openly about where we were coming from and where we were going, our families and so on.  There was Marie, who was in her 50’s and a missionary.  She had traveled much of the world with the goal of serving God and helping others.  She was traveling to Seattle to be with her sick grandson.  Then there was Adrian who at age 17 had just finished a dance competition in Orlando, headed home in Alaska.  I had been pondering a simple question for a few days; what are the beautiful things around us?

I posed that question to them both; what’s something beautiful in your life?  I asked. Marie was quick to answer, her family.  She spoke of the joys of her grand kids and seeing her kids grow as men and women.  After a few minutes, she added one word; Freedom.  She then elaborated by adding;  Freedom from the needs of other people’s expectations, freedom to be herself and freedom from the fear of rejection.  She spoke briefly of her journey from bitterness with her ex-husband to this place of contentment and a joy for life. 

Adrian was reluctant to answer and sighted her age as a reason.  At every part and time in our lives we can find beauty.  So she answered by saying;  Seeing others happy, being able to turn someone’s sadness into happiness and by helping others. 

Finding Gabe at the airport in Redmond I was so excited to help with this event.  Siblings from around the country converged on this place to share their sibling that had fallen in service to our country.  They came to connect with others who “Get it” and to find healing for a broken heart.

The first night I sat at a table with 13 other siblings and watched.  Sitting back and looking around the table watching them share their food, talking about their loved one, sharing moments of joy and great sorrow with others close by.  Everyone spoke with excitement over the upcoming week and the events we would share with one another.

Throughout the week I asked several people what they found beautiful in their lives, here are a few of their responses.

‘The things that stay the same, the constant things like family or the sun going down.  Someone always being there.  It’s the human part of love.’

‘The beauty I see in nature.  How a bird flies and a fish swims and how everything works.’

‘Family, always being there and stuck with each other in a way, the permanence of it and the way we each cope with our own pain.’

‘Time, how time keeps moving and things keep changing.  No matter where I am in life, it will change.  I love change and nothing will ever be the same again.’

‘Physical activity, running or biking and the escape that it provides.’

‘The humanist part of this group, people opening up and letting me be apart of their heart, there lives, their love and pain.’

‘The relationship I have with my girlfriend and how I’m able to connect with her, support her and stand by her.’

I found such beauty in that time in Oregon and the time I shared with 15 other people who came with an open heart.  Seeing people from different walks of life come together to share and support each other.  Seeing people open their hearts and trusting.  Each person shared such an amazing part of their lives with me and I am so very thankful.  My life is so much better for having met and gotten to know everyone even more deeply.

I will say my single most powerful event was on Mt Bachelor with a fellow sibling.  Up to that point there were things I hadn’t shared with anyone or at least in a way that was raw and open.  As we sat there opening our hearts, fears and minds to one another we both could see those walls fall and our trust for the other was complete.  There was such beauty, such comfort and such amazement in being able to connect and share even the darkest moments in our lives.

I sit here now recounting so many things in my life that have nearly destroyed me, tragedies, suicide and abuse.  Out of each one I was able to look back and see such beauty in those tragedies.  There are so many blessings in life, so much love and so many things worth striving for and working toward.  

In all things, even in great loss, there is beauty and blessings, some are hard to find.  Love is everywhere and is in each of us.  It is in a smile, a kind note and in salvation granted to us by Christ.  I hope and pray that I continue to struggle, to learn, to see beauty, to find Love in those around me.

“For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”        

Love, kindness and compassion

Love, Kindness and Compassion

Rising from the ground with tears in my eyes, the air was cold and darkness was all around except for the windows of the single wide behind me.  My only real memory of my father after he kicked me out of his home at age five was this night. 

As the realization of what had happened sunk in and my whole world crashed down before me.  My faith in one person, my belief in something greater than me was full and the future which I had put all my dreams in had just ended in a thundering crash.  What would I do, where would I go and who do I trust now that all things that I believed in have been lost.  I lost my self in a path of darkness and despair.

Her words echoed in my ear as I feel to my knees in total shock.  The answer to my question was suicide.  Standing over her body in an empty room I spoke to her with tears streaming and earnest words of love and regret.  I could have saved her if I would have just shared my own journey with suicide and the darkness within my own heart.  My sister was now dead.

The tragedy in my life brought me down several paths of alcohol abuse, neglect and simply trying to forget the pain anyway possible.  I’ve found that no matter who I am, what I believe or how strong I think I am, I can be broken.  It is in this brokenness that I found light.  It was in my despair that I found hope and it was in death that I found life.  Where do I go from here I’ve asked myself many times.  What is the value of this life and where does happiness come from?  I found that my joy and happiness comes from within, that Love is real and that hope and faith is once again mine.  It is in the darkness that I finally started to understand the light and it was in death that I saw the value of life.  How did I get where I am and how did I find love, happiness and joy?  These are thoughts for another day.

This is the core of my words, how I rose above tragedy and changed my life and opened my heart.  How I found true love in myself and how I came from the ashes of despair to find the greatest joy and happiness.  I share this in hopes of helping someone in some small way, to inspire those reluctant souls toward an open heart, to save my sister whom I failed and to try to bring glory to God.

In all the world, Love matters most.