I wanted to add a few thing to the post I made a couple of years ago on dating. Hopefully our perspective and view of things keep evolving and growing.
"People may attain some natural ideas of spiritual truths by reading books, or hearing sermons, and may thereby become wise in their own conceits; they may learn to imitate the language of an experienced Christian; but they know not what they say, nor whereof they affirm, and are as distant from the true meaning of the terms, as a blind man, who pronounces the words blue or red, is from the ideas which those words raise in the mind of a person who can distinguish colours by his sight." John Newton
There are those who can pretend to be someone they’re not. They may have a handsome mask in which they’ve spent years perfecting. We all wear some sort of mask, at least some of the time. Our own fear, shame, desire to be accepted, to be loved and to be something that we believe others will want. In a lot of ways, speaking from my own life, we are not completely authentic. I think as followers of Christ, He will move us to be more like Him by abandoning and putting to death our natural selves.
I think there are some important things to look for in a romantic prospect to help determine the authenticity of another. It’s fairly easy for people to pretend to be someone they’re not and there are a few people who have spent a lifetime studying and understanding human nature in order to take advantage of others. There are a few, who lead others to believe that the mask is real with an amazing level of effectiveness and I believe that the church is a great place for them to hide. So, from my perspective here are a few ways to spot them and look for that authentic mate.
"Conviction is a work of the Holy Spirit, so let him do it. And if the other person is never convicted of their sin, that's an important piece of information about their spiritual health which will help you make future decisions about your relationship with them. Don't ignore it or make light of it. To never be convicted is serious business." Natalie Hoffman
I see conviction, repentance and forgiveness as being three important works of the Holy Spirit and are the hardest to fake. We must rely on God to truly be convicted, repentant and forgiving, without the intimacy with Christ, we struggle. For a certain group of people, it will be almost impossible for them to face their own sin, flaws or how they hurt others. I hope that by briefly looking at these three qualities it will help identify the authenticity of a possible mate.
“The sinner is bold and daring, and will not consider his sin, but when the Holy Spirit takes the Word of God home to his heart, He brings him to the bar of justice; He convicts him and shows him his condemnation, and the sinner feels and realizes and acknowledges his guilt and condemnation.” Larry Slawson
“And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.” 2 Cor. 4:4-6 ESV
From His word we learn that conviction is the work of the Holy Spirit, I cannot be someone else’s holy spirit, I’ve tried and failed. I used to look at conviction in some kind of legalistic way. Yet, I see it more as intimacy and tenderness now. Speaking for myself, being convicted of my sin brings both deep guilt and beautiful joy in His forgiveness and salvation. I’m brought low in knowing how I’ve hurt, sinned against, gone against, rebelled against my Father with whom I love. As my love for my Father grows, my sorrow for my sin grows. There’s also a powerful joy in being shown the hidden sin in my life and for being forgiven. One of the consequences of habitual sin, is that it’s blinding.
"When the light shines and the Spirit brings conviction of sin, be a child of the light. Confess your wrongdoing, and God will deal with it. If, however, you try to vindicate yourself, you prove yourself to be a child of the darkness." Oswald Chambers
“It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us; it is the very sign of His presence.” C.S. Lewis
I don’t really understand what it means in someone’s walk if they’re never or seldom convicted of sin. I do know what it’s like to have someone in my life that seldom sees how they hurt others. Within the context of an intimate relationship, it has many negative consequences. We all hurt others in one way or another, but the absence of guilt and remorse for that harm is important. Justification for ongoing sin should serve as a warning to us when it comes to a relationship with that person.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9
Many times in my life I’ve been convicted of my sin, yet took time to repented. As our relationship with Christ becomes more intimate, I think the time between sin and repentance grows shorter. Within the context of an intimate courtship, being able to apologize to others is vital for many reasons. Being willing to not only see the dirt in our lives, but being willing to go to your Father and repent. Repentance isn’t simply asking for forgiveness, but actively turning from our sin and toward God. "Repentance is the fruit of salvation." In an intimate relationship, pay attention to not only someone’s repentance toward you, but towards others. Pay close attention to their willingness to be specific about their transgressions, this could be an indication of their lack of authenticity. Pay attention to the worst relationships in their lives. Our relationship with God is often a reflection of the worst human relationship we have. If they hate someone, they may one day hate you.
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32
“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Matthew 6:14
In my own life, not being willing to forgive someone has had many consequences. It caused division in the relationship, caused bitterness to grow in my heart and most importantly the division between myself and God. Unforgiveness for another maintains an active separation between yourself and God. Within an intimate relationship, not willing to forgive another will cause a rot to grow and spread into every aspect of the relationship. From my experience, if someone is unwilling to forgive someone in their lives, there will come a time when they're unwilling to forgive you.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
I think if we love God with all our strength and love others we will be guided in the right direction. Use conviction, repentance and forgiveness as a litmus test in our lives and even those you’re considering an intimate relationship with. I pray that we all move toward the other in a loving and tender way. Promoting kindness even in the most difficult of times. I hope that this post moves you to look deeper into the heart of the person you’re considering a romantic relationship with and moves you closer to Christ.
“Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.” Roman 13:8
“You can give without loving. But you cannot love without giving.” Unknown
Love, Kindness and Compassion
